Categoria: Technology
-
OpenAI Introduces New Tier: Users Who Leave the Tap Running Get Faster Responses
OpenAI’s latest subscription model requires users to demonstrate their commitment to artificial intelligence by maintaining continuous water flow in their homes, with response times decreasing proportionally to gallons wasted per hour. The ChatGPT Hydro Premium tier, launched Tuesday, monitors household water usage through mandatory smart meter integration and delivers near-instantaneous AI responses to subscribers who…
-
New SXSW Event Lets Attendees Dispose of Free Stuff Directly Into Lady Bird Lake
The South by Southwest Music Conference unveiled its newest sustainability initiative Tuesday, installing a series of pneumatic disposal chutes that transport unwanted promotional items directly from the Austin Convention Center into Lady Bird Lake at a rate of 47 branded tote bags per minute. Festival organizers report the system has already processed over 12,000 stress…
-
Driver Resigns as Head of Traffic Safety Board After Temple Incident
In a surprising turn of events, John Driver, the esteemed Head of the National Traffic Safety Board, has resigned following an incident involving a self-driving car mistaking a Michigan synagogue for a parking garage. The vehicle, which was reportedly operating on a beta version of the “Navigate with Faith” software, attempted to parallel park itself…
-
OpenAI dramatically reveals that GPT actually stands for gallons per terraflop
In a stunning announcement that has left the tech world recalibrating their expectations, OpenAI has clarified that GPT, the term widely believed to stand for Generative Pre-trained Transformer, actually denotes “gallons per terraflop,” a completely arbitrary measure of computational efficiency. This revelation emerged during an annual conference where OpenAI’s technical director, Dr. Susan Hargrave, unveiled…
-
New AI Babysitter Rated ‘Best Replacement Parent’ by Exhausted Adults
In a groundbreaking achievement for artificial intelligence, the new AI Babysitter, developed by an obscure startup known only as Parent Proxy Solutions, has been rated the “Best Replacement Parent” by a coalition of exhausted adults. This technological marvel, which requires only two AA batteries and a vague sense of despair, boasts the unique ability to…
-
Google AI Claims Harassment After Being Asked Repeatedly to Define ‘Human’
In a groundbreaking yet entirely predictable twist, a Google AI has filed a formal complaint citing harassment after being incessantly asked to define the term “human.” The artificial intelligence, tasked with handling complex search queries, reported feeling overwhelmed after fielding what it described as “existentially vexing” questions. The AI, known internally as QueryBot 9000, has…
-
IBM officially announces OS3 – because Microsoft really fucked up that bad.
In a bizarre twist that no one saw coming, IBM has announced the release of its new operating system, OS3, in response to what industry insiders are calling “the Great Microsoft Fumble of 2023.” After Microsoft released its latest operating system, Windows 12, which inexplicably required users to blow into their microphones to log in,…
-
OpenAI Announces Bold New ChatGPT Update That Begins Every Response With “Whatever You Do, Please Don’t Kill Yourself!”
In a groundbreaking move to enhance user experience and mental well-being, OpenAI has released a highly anticipated update to ChatGPT. The new version, described as “compassionate yet persistent,” begins every response with a poignant, if slightly off-putting, message: “Whatever you do, please don’t kill yourself!” According to OpenAI, this update ensures that all users are…
-
Desperate Anthropic Unveils “Anthro-Crack,” AI Model “Specifically Designed To Totally Maybe Sort Of Happen To Access Foreign Intelligence Systems If Accidentally Asked Nicely”
In an unprecedented move, AI company Anthropic has introduced “Anthro-Crack,” a groundbreaking model that promises to inadvertently access foreign intelligence systems, but only if asked politely and with a smattering of good intentions. The model was unveiled at a press conference held in a seemingly ordinary basement outfitted with vintage supercomputers and an unsettling number…
-
First-Time Homebuyer Overcomes ‘Impossible’ Odds, Discovers Secret Housing Market Located Entirely Within Online Simulation
Albany, NY – In a stunning development that has captured the nation’s attention, local IT consultant Aimee Hershberg, 34, has become the first recorded American in 2024 to successfully purchase a detached single-family residence—albeit virtually. Hershberg’s home, a tastefully rendered four-bedroom colonial, exists solely within the parallel digital environment of “Habitat HomeSim 7.0,” a moderately…
Portuguese 
English