Categoria: Science
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High School Athlete Exploits Little-Known Loophole In Physics To Win Race Without Touching Ground
MONTGOMERY, AL—Spectators at the regional track-and-field meet were left dumbstruck Friday as local high school senior Marcus “The Floater” Dewberry won the boys’ 400-meter dash in record time, despite his feet never once making contact with the ground. Witnesses report Dewberry, a B-minus physics student and self-identified “gravity skeptic,” hovered three inches above the image…
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Muskogee Politician Cleared of Blame After Fateful Board Meeting Decides Gravity Not in Their Jurisdiction
MUSKOGEE, OK — After weeks of intense scrutiny and public outcry, City Council member Randy Tuffin was fully exonerated Tuesday when the Muskogee Board of Fundamental Powers unanimously agreed that gravity is, in fact, outside the scope of municipal jurisdiction. The embattled councilman had come under fire last month after video surfaced of him spilled…
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SummerSlam 2025 Ends With Universal Agreement That Reality Is Optional, Wrestling Is Forever
In a historic culmination of athletic theatrics, pyrotechnic excess, and increasingly blurred lines between performance and perception, SummerSlam 2025 concluded Sunday with a standing ovation, a title change, and a rare spontaneous treaty among 68,000 attendees, 12 million pay-per-view viewers, and the wrestlers themselves in support of a simple premise: reality is, at best, negotiable,…
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Scotland Declares Independence from Entire Planet Earth in Bold Move to Avoid Being Dragged Into Galactic Congress
EDINBURGH—In a preemptive bid to stay out of the “tireless bureaucracy that is the Milky Way,” Scotland on Thursday unilaterally declared independence from the entire planet Earth, announcing it would pursue recognition as a free-floating, non‑terrestrial sovereign entity to avoid being “dragged into” the newly convened Galactic Congress. “Scotland will determine its own orbit,” the…
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Government Launches New Initiative To Distract Citizens From Old Initiatives
WASHINGTON—Insisting the measure would “modernize the nation’s cognitive bandwidth and restore momentum to the concept of momentum,” federal officials on Thursday unveiled a sweeping effort to redirect public focus away from an accumulation of previous efforts, many of which are reportedly still technically occurring somewhere. The plan, formally titled the National Attention Reallocation Framework, or…
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New Study Finds Link Between Morning Traffic Jams and Perpetual Existential Crises
In a finding that has already been described by commute-weary Americans as “deeply unsurprising but also somehow soul-collapsing,” researchers this week announced evidence of a robust correlation between morning traffic congestion and the development of permanent, free-floating existential crises that persist long after the car is parked. The longitudinal study, led by the Center for…
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World Health Organization Declares Subconscious a Public Health Threat After Surprising Spike in Compulsive Self-Sabotage
In an unprecedented move, the World Health Organization (WHO) has officially declared the subconscious mind a public health threat, citing a dramatic increase in cases of compulsive self-sabotage across the globe. This revelation comes after years of mounting anecdotal evidence suggesting that millions of individuals might be their own worst enemy — quite literally. Dr.…
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