Categoria: Science
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National Park Rock Enters Witness Protection After Revealing Secret to Avoiding $1,613 Fines
Yellowstone, WY – A landmark igneous formation in Yellowstone National Park has reportedly entered the federal witness protection program after divulging its secret for avoiding the National Park Service’s standard $1,613 rock-removal fine, according to park officials. National Park spokesperson Dr. Linda Agate confirmed today that “Slatey,” the three-ton granite monolith beloved by hikers along…
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73-Year-Old Coach and 24-Year-Old Partner Announce New Playbook for Defying Time, Space, and Social Norms
Milwaukee, WI – Legendary basketball coach Murton “Murphy” Delacroix, 73, and his partner, 24-year-old fitness influencer Sparrow Lyme, unveiled their much-anticipated new “playbook” this Monday, aiming to break boundaries not only in athletic strategy but in the broader confines of time, space, and prevailing social norms. The couple’s 312-page spiral-bound volume, “Gameplan Infinity: Schematics for…
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PolitiFact Announces New Initiative to Fact-Check Only Statements Made in Alternate Realities, Citing Higher Truth Accuracy There
St. Petersburg, FL – PolitiFact, the fact-checking arm of the Poynter Institute, announced today that it will exclusively review claims made in alternate realities, shifting its focus away from statements issued in what it described as “our increasingly fact-resistant primary dimension.” The initiative, described internally as Operation Quantum Credibility, will reportedly draw on interdimensional sourcing…
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Patrick Mahomes Unwittingly Joins Quantum Baseball League Where Yankees and Mets Finally Merge to Form Lovecraftian Superteam
New York, NY – In a surprise to fans and sports analysts alike, Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes was, late Thursday night, traded to the newly minted United Quantum Baseball League—an entity created following an unprecedented merger of the New York Yankees and New York Mets. League officials confirm Mahomes was only made aware…
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NASA Announces New Mission: Boys to Venus, Promises Detailed Study of Gender Imbalance in Space Exploration
Houston, TX – In a press conference early Tuesday, NASA unveiled its latest initiative: Boys to Venus, a mission specifically conceived to address the perceived gender imbalance that has long defined human space exploration. Agency officials report the first all-male crew since 1982 will embark on an eighteen-month journey to Earth’s twin planet, where, according…
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Scientists Announce Discovery of Time-Reversal Symmetry, Promptly Blame It for the State of the Universe
Geneva, Switzerland – In a landmark afternoon press conference, physicists at the Institute for Chronotemporal Studies (ICS) heralded the definitive observation of time-reversal symmetry in controlled laboratory conditions, declaring it both an exquisite scientific triumph and the “prime suspect” in a host of universal maladies, from cosmic entropy to the proliferation of garden gnomes. The…
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NFL Introduces New Safety Protocol: Players to Wear Full Body Armor After Discovering Football Is a Contact Sport
New York, NY – In a sweeping safety overhaul, the National Football League announced Monday its decision to require all players to wear full body armor during competition, following what officials called a “landmark realization” that football may in fact involve physical contact. Commissioner Roger Goodell, flanked by members of the NFL Safety Task Force…
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Trump Administration Announces New Initiative to Reclassify Facts as Alternative Opinions, Hopes to ‘Simplify’ Reality
Washington, DC – In a Monday morning press conference, the Trump administration unveiled a comprehensive initiative to formally reclassify all facts as “Alternative Opinions” in federal discourse, outlining what officials termed “the next generation of rational simplification.” The program, coordinated by the newly minted Office of Fact Optimization (OFO), is expected to eliminate longstanding friction…
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High School Football Coach Accidentally Discovers Quantum Mechanics While Comparing Two Quarterbacks
Sherman, TX – In an unexpected turn of events, local high school football coach Dale Trumont stumbled upon the principles of quantum mechanics during a routine assessment of his team’s quarterback options. The discovery came while attempting to decide between sophomore Ricky “The Rocket” Taylor and seasoned senior Blake “The Blizzard” Bronson, both known for…
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Mysterious Coach Declares Quantum Mechanics Less Confusing Than Choosing Between Two Quarterbacks
GREEN BAY, WI – In an unprecedented break from athletic tradition, a shadowy figure known simply as “The Enigma Coach” has introduced an avant-garde approach to professional football strategy: using principles of quantum mechanics to clarify the complexities of quarterback selection. As surreal as it sounds, Coach Enigma claims that the mysterious world of quantum…
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