Categoria: Science
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Galactic Chain Letters Spotted in Space, Scientists Bracing for Cosmic Pyramid Scheme to Begin
Cape Canaveral, FL – Astronomers at the Deep Sky Correspondence Facility reported Tuesday that a series of anomalous, repetitive radio transmissions are circulating across the Orion Arm, bearing what experts now fear are the first documented cases of galactic chain letters. The transmissions, deciphered late Monday evening, instruct receivers to “forward this message to ten…
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Nobel Prize in Physics Awarded to Scientists Who Prove Reality Is Just an Overly Complicated Version of Schrödinger’s Cat
Stockholm – In a decisive break from tradition, the Nobel Committee for Physics yesterday awarded the 2024 prize to Professors Lotte König and Marcel Quayle, whose work demonstrates that the universe is, in their words, “an unnecessarily elaborate enactment of Schrödinger’s thought experiment, now at world scale.” The decision, announced in a hushed assembly at…
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NASA Discovers Cosmic Friendship Bracelets; Astronomers Urged to Update Relationship Status with Universe
Cape Canaveral, FL – NASA officials confirmed this morning the discovery of what are being described as ‘cosmic friendship bracelets’ in a low-orbit quadrant near the constellation Lyra, sending ripples of cautious excitement throughout the global astronomical community. The multicolored bands, appearing in symmetrical pairs and adorned with what researchers speculate to be encoded bead…
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Scientists Discover New Species That Secretly Produces SPF 500, Prompting Humans to Reflect on Their Life Choices
Albany, NY – Scientists at the federally funded Suncore Biological Research Facility have announced the discovery of a previously unknown species of snail that produces an organic compound featuring a sun protection factor (SPF) of 500, raising new questions about humanity’s approach to sun safety and personal achievement. The discovery, made during a routine survey…
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Critics Hail New Sitcom as “Charming Disaster” After Writers Accidentally Infuse Script with Quantum Mechanics
Los Angeles, CA – In a surprise turn of events at last night’s network premiere, critics and audiences alike flooded social media to praise the new sitcom “Roommates in Flux” as a “charming disaster,” following reports that core elements of the script were inexplicably driven by the principles of quantum mechanics. The sitcom, intended as…
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Revolutionary Study Shows Shouting at Inanimate Objects Reduces Taxes and Improves Skin Clarity
Albany, NY – A comprehensive new study published this week in the Journal of Behavioral Incentives has stunned the scientific community by demonstrating that shouting at inanimate objects not only reduces personal annual tax liability, but also significantly enhances skin clarity across demographic groups. The findings emerge from a five-year project funded by the National…
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India Accused of Rigging Coin Toss with Quantum Entanglement, Pakistan Demands Investigation into Schrodinger’s Cricket
London – International cricket was thrown into turmoil on Friday after the Pakistan Cricket Board (PCB) filed an official complaint accusing India of manipulating a crucial coin toss via quantum entanglement. The controversy erupted during the semi-final of the Champions Trophy, after a series of anomalous toss outcomes raised suspicions among rival teams and spectral…
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Seaside Village Declares Emergency as Local Economy Now Depends on Auctioning Off Extraterrestrial Driftwood
Saltmarsh, ME – The picturesque Atlantic coastal town of Saltmarsh has entered a state of economic emergency this week, following revelations that the community’s financial stability is now wholly reliant on the highly unpredictable supply of so-called “extraterrestrial driftwood.” After municipal oyster beds suffered a record die-off and the 140-year-old fudge shop burned down in…
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U.S. Prepares for Historic Government Shutdown, Markets Consider Cryogenic Freezing Until Further Notice
Washington, D.C. – As negotiations falter on Capitol Hill, the United States is bracing for its first-ever government shutdown projected to last beyond the linear flow of time, while major financial markets have begun drafting contingency plans for voluntary cryogenic suspension until further notice. Officials at the Office of Management and Budget confirmed late Thursday…
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As College Football’s Laws of Physics Collapse, Experts Ponder: Does Virginia Tech Even Exist in This Dimension?
Blacksburg, VA – The National Collegiate Athletic Association convened an emergency symposium this week after a series of viral plays prompted mounting concerns that the laws of physics no longer apply to NCAA football, especially in games involving the Virginia Tech Hokies. Amidst swirling rumors, physicists and metaphysicians alike have begun to question whether Virginia…
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