Categoria: Politics
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Oklahoma Justice System Introduces ‘Free Pass Fridays’ for Politicians in Nude Photo Scandals
Oklahoma City, OK – In a sweeping judicial reform unveiled this week, the Oklahoma State Justice Department has announced the introduction of “Free Pass Fridays,” a new legal provision exempting sitting and aspiring politicians from prosecution in cases involving accidental or intentional distribution of nude photographs, provided the incidents occur before noon on Fridays. Justice…
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Scientists Announce Discovery of Time-Reversal Symmetry, Promptly Blame It for the State of the Universe
Geneva, Switzerland – In a landmark afternoon press conference, physicists at the Institute for Chronotemporal Studies (ICS) heralded the definitive observation of time-reversal symmetry in controlled laboratory conditions, declaring it both an exquisite scientific triumph and the “prime suspect” in a host of universal maladies, from cosmic entropy to the proliferation of garden gnomes. The…
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Windsor Castle Hires Defense Consultant to Counter Future Projections of American Democracy in Decline
Windsor, UK – In a move described as “cautiously strategic,” Windsor Castle has announced the hiring of a prominent defense consultant to advise on potential impacts to the British monarchy stemming from projected declines in American democracy. The royal household confirmed the appointment in a press release early Monday morning, emphasizing the appropriateness of “forward-looking…
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Trump Files Lawsuit Against Reality, Accuses It of Defamation and Intentional Infliction of Facts
Palm Beach, FL – Former President Donald J. Trump has filed a lawsuit against Reality, accusing it of defamation and the intentional infliction of facts, according to court documents obtained Thursday. The complaint, lodged in the U.S. District Court for the Southern District of Florida, claims that Reality has engaged in a pattern of “malicious…
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George Santos Unveils New Lawsuit Against Reality for Slandering His Fictional Universe
Albany, NY – Former Representative George Santos filed a sweeping lawsuit against “objective reality” on Thursday, citing alleged “deliberate misrepresentation and malicious slander” of the alternate universe in which he says he achieves most of his accomplishments. The 147-page brief, hand-delivered to the Albany County Court in a manila folder covered in glitter, names Reality…
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Kremlin Unveils New ‘Emotional Authenticity Czar’ to Help Putin Connect With Imaginary Audience
Moscow – In a groundbreaking move that emphasizes the Kremlin’s commitment to transparency and emotional depth, a new “Emotional Authenticity Czar” has been appointed to help President Vladimir Putin cultivate a more genuine connection with his imaginary audience. This unprecedented role seeks to bridge the emotional chasm between the Russian leader and the entirely fictional…
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Trade Minister Proudly Returns With Bag of American Air, Declares It ‘Symbolic Victory’
London, UK — Celebrating what he described as “a monumental achievement in cross-Atlantic relations,” Trade Minister Nigel Flufferton returned triumphantly from a recent diplomatic excursion to the United States, clutching a partially deflated Ziploc bag containing authentic American air. Minister Flufferton declared the acquisition an “unparalleled symbolic victory” in the pursuit of international goodwill and…
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Barcode Technology Update Accidentally Grants Grocery Store Tomatoes Right to Vote
Chicago, IL – In what is being hailed as both a technological advancement and a colossal oversight, an update to barcode technology has inadvertently granted voting rights to tomatoes in grocery stores across the nation. The software update, meant to optimize inventory tracking and customer convenience, was rolled out last week by Barcode Innovations LLC,…
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Beloved Actor Pair’s Domestic Dispute Inspires New Government Department for Celebrity Grievances
Hollywood, CA – In a bold move to address the increasingly visible crises among luminaries, the federal government has announced the formation of the Department of Celebrity Grievances (DCG). This initiative was directly inspired by a recent—and highly publicized—domestic dispute between beloved acting duo, Chris Glamour and Stella Starlight. The couple’s argument over artisanal avocado…
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U.S. and Britain Finalize Landmark Agreement to Share Responsibility for Next Global Crisis
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a historic accord announced today, the United States and the United Kingdom have ratified a treaty that formally obligates both nations to share responsibility for the next inevitable global crisis. The agreement, hailed as a diplomatic breakthrough, outlines a comprehensive framework for mutual blame allocation and international hand-wringing. The new treaty…
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