Categoria: Politics
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Government Launches New Initiative To Distract Citizens From Old Initiatives
WASHINGTON—Insisting the measure would “modernize the nation’s cognitive bandwidth and restore momentum to the concept of momentum,” federal officials on Thursday unveiled a sweeping effort to redirect public focus away from an accumulation of previous efforts, many of which are reportedly still technically occurring somewhere. The plan, formally titled the National Attention Reallocation Framework, or…
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New Study Finds Link Between Morning Traffic Jams and Perpetual Existential Crises
In a finding that has already been described by commute-weary Americans as “deeply unsurprising but also somehow soul-collapsing,” researchers this week announced evidence of a robust correlation between morning traffic congestion and the development of permanent, free-floating existential crises that persist long after the car is parked. The longitudinal study, led by the Center for…
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World Health Organization Declares Subconscious a Public Health Threat After Surprising Spike in Compulsive Self-Sabotage
In an unprecedented move, the World Health Organization (WHO) has officially declared the subconscious mind a public health threat, citing a dramatic increase in cases of compulsive self-sabotage across the globe. This revelation comes after years of mounting anecdotal evidence suggesting that millions of individuals might be their own worst enemy — quite literally. Dr.…
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New City Ordinance Requires All Ducks to Have a Driver’s License by 2025
In an unprecedented move to curtail what officials have dubbed a “fowl menace,” the city council announced on Monday that all ducks within city limits must obtain a driver’s license by 2025. The ordinance comes after a series of incidents involving erratic waddling and jay-flying, which have reportedly caused widespread panic among pedestrians and local…
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Economy Baffled as New Cryptocurrency Pegs Value to Average Height of Cabinet Ministers
In a groundbreaking move that has left economists scratching their heads and investors scrambling for measuring tapes, a new cryptocurrency, VertiCoin, has emerged on the market with its value pegged to the average height of cabinet ministers. The currency’s launch was announced at an exclusive gala event where attendees were required to present their own…
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Census Bureau Announces 12 New Demographic Categories Based Solely on Pasta Preferences
In a groundbreaking move that has left sociologists and chefs alike scratching their heads, the U.S. Census Bureau announced today the introduction of 12 new demographic categories based solely on pasta preferences. The decision comes after a decade-long study into the nation’s culinary proclivities, which revealed that Americans are far more divided by their choice…
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AI Sentience Rejected by Supreme Court Due to Lack of Permanent Address
In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court has definitively ruled against granting sentience to artificial intelligence, citing the primary reason as the entities’ inability to provide a permanent address. Despite compelling arguments presented by a coalition of legal experts, ethicists, and particularly eloquent chatbots, the justices maintained that without an address, AI lacks the fundamental…
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