Categoria: Politics
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Senator Uncovers Secret Clause in Hospital Consent Forms: “May Also Grant Doctor Ownership of Your Firstborn
Washington, D.C. – In what congressional aides are calling “a routine document review,” Senator Marjorie Ballston (D-ME) claimed Wednesday to have identified a heretofore unnoticed clause buried within standardized hospital consent forms offering patients the option to grant their attending physician full custodial rights to any firstborn children. The clause, appearing only in fine italic…
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World Leaders Confidently Predict Enduring Peace Right After Latest Conflict Reaches Perfectly Balanced Chaos
Geneva – As diplomats from 78 nations concluded the latest round of peace talks, world leaders expressed unanimous and unwavering confidence that enduring global harmony is imminent now that the most recent international conflict has stabilized into what officials describe as “a perfectly balanced state of chaos.” President Sofia Mertz of the United Global Council…
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Government Announces New ‘Chill Mode’ Shutdown, Promises to Keep Nation in Suspended Animation for Undetermined Duration
Washington, D.C. – In an ambitious move to promote national calm and conserve resources, the U.S. government unveiled its inaugural “Chill Mode” shutdown on Tuesday. Senior administration officials said the measure will see the entire country placed in a state of technologically enhanced suspended animation for a length of time not yet determined. According to…
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Middle East Achieves Unified Agreement to Disagree as New Peace Deal Sets Record for Most Simultaneous Rejections
Geneva – Diplomats from across the Middle East have hailed a historic breakthrough this week as every major party signed onto a new peace framework known as the “Unified Agreement to Disagree.” The accord, brokered under the auspices of the United Nations’ Subcommittee on General Ambivalence, marks the first time in diplomatic history that a…
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Germany Introduces New Citizenship Path: 10-Year Pantomime of Proving You’re Not a Time-Traveling Habsburg
Berlin – The German Interior Ministry has unveiled a new pathway to citizenship this week: a decade-long surveillance program requiring applicants to silently demonstrate, through pantomime, that they are not clandestine temporal infiltrators from the defunct House of Habsburg. Officials described the measure as “a necessary evolution in national security frameworks,” following months of closed-door…
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Democracy on Autopilot: Voters to Choose from Pre-Selected Menu of 17 Amendments While Unseen Forces Draft 18th in Crayon
Washington, D.C. – Americans heading to the polls this November will be greeted by a “streamlined ballot experience,” according to the Federal Office of Voter Efficiency. In an unprecedented move, citizens will be invited to vote on a neatly curated menu of 17 constitutional amendments, each numbered and explained in a single sentence, as part…
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New Zealand Launches Revolutionary ‘Pet a Predator’ Program to Foster Public Participation in Mass Eradication Effort
Wellington, NZ – In a bold move to end decades-long ecological strife, New Zealand’s Department of Conservation (DOC) has officially launched the “Pet a Predator” initiative, inviting citizens to gently engage with invasive predators before they are ethically removed from local ecosystems. The program, described by DOC Minister Lyle Rowan as “revolutionary civic partnership,” is…
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Nation Breathlessly Awaits Outcome of Football Game to Determine Fate of Auburn’s Entire Future, No Pressure
Auburn, AL – As kickoff looms for Saturday’s long-anticipated matchup, the United States finds itself collectively paralyzed, awaiting final resolution of not only the football game but, by steady federal decree, the comprehensive future of Auburn, Alabama. The game, a decisive contest between Auburn University and its longstanding rival, is widely acknowledged as the pivotal…
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Senate to Decide Whether to Kick Fiscal Can Down the Road or Just Abandon Can Altogether
Washington, D.C. – In a move financial analysts are calling “entirely foreseeable,” the U.S. Senate convened Wednesday morning to debate the future of the nation’s fiscal can, with two primary options on the table: continuing to kick it further down the legislative road, or abandoning the can altogether in hopes it will resolve itself. Sources…
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Lawmakers Celebrate First Bipartisan Agreement in Years: The Merits of a Long Nap During Government Shutdown
Washington, DC – Congressional lawmakers from both parties achieved a rare moment of unity this week, issuing a joint statement affirming the benefits of taking an extended nap during the ongoing government shutdown. The accord, described by one analyst as “historic in its lethargy,” marks the first cross-aisle consensus recorded since 2019, according to Congressional…
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