Categoria: Music
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Die-Hard Vinyl Enthusiasts Now Installing Bluetooth to Enjoy Warm Analog Sound of Spotify Playlists
Portland, OR – A growing cohort of audiophiles known for their purist devotion to vinyl records have begun retrofitting vintage turntables with Bluetooth receivers in order to experience the authentic warmth of analog sound applied to their favorite Spotify playlists. This trend, first observed in select record stores in Portland and Brooklyn, has been described…
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Record Labels Demand Royalties After Discovering Hidden Tracks Composed Entirely of Studio Ghosts’ Moans
New York, NY – Record labels have entered an unprecedented legal dispute with music streaming services over royalties owed for hidden tracks reportedly composed by the “unpaid labor” of phantom spirits haunting recording studios. This move follows allegations by the American Association of Record Executives (AARE) that streaming platforms have failed to compensate for what…
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Study Reveals 90% of K-Pop Demon Hunter Fans Unaware Actual Demons Now Require Royalties
Seoul, South Korea – In a groundbreaking revelation from the Institute of Pop Culture Paradoxes, it has been reported that 90% of fans of the hit K-pop group “Demon Hunterz” are blissfully unaware that actual demons have unionized, demanding royalties for their portrayal in popular media. This surprising twist has led to a stir both…
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Universal Music CEO Accuses Drake of Illegally Sampling His Own Disillusionment
In an unprecedented move that has sent shockwaves through the music industry, Universal Music Group CEO, Sylvester Flowers, has made the audacious claim that chart-topping artist Drake is guilty of unlawfully sampling his own disillusionment without appropriate licensing. The allegations have prompted a heated debate over artistic ownership in the age of self-reference and angst.…
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Record Labels Unveil New Legal Strategy: Sue Artists for Breathing Wrong
In an unprecedented move that industry insiders are calling “next-level innovation” in contractual enforcement, record labels across the globe have announced plans to file lawsuits against their own artists for “improper respiration techniques” that allegedly violate standard recording agreements. The groundbreaking legal strategy was unveiled at the annual Association of Music Mongers conference held in…
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In Unexpected Cultural Exchange, EDM Artists Accidentally Summon Eldritch Beats from Parallel Dimension
In an unprecedented and unforeseen act of sonic diplomacy, renowned EDM artists have reportedly opened a portal to a parallel dimension, inadvertently summoning what experts are tentatively calling “Eldritch Beats.” The incident occurred during an impromptu collaboration live-streamed from DJ Cyclotron’s tricked-out garage studio in Palo Alto, California. Witnesses report that around the 45-minute mark…
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Guitar Center Rebrands to Banjo Center in Bold Attempt to Alienate Remaining Customers
WESTLAKE VILLAGE, CA — In a sweeping pivot meant to reflect “the acoustic soul of America’s past, whether anyone asked for it or not,” Guitar Center announced Monday it will rebrand as Banjo Center, effective immediately. The company hopes the move will finally cement its place as the nation’s leading supplier of instruments no one…
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In Leaked Recording From His Deathbed, Andrés Segovia Regrets Pursuing Guitar Over Banjo
MADRID, Spain — In a revelation that has rocked the classical music world and left the banjo community quietly smug, a newly uncovered deathbed recording of legendary guitarist Andrés Segovia has revealed that the Spanish virtuoso regretted dedicating his life to the guitar instead of the banjo — a statement musicologists are calling “deeply shocking,”…
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Local Facebook Hero Incapable of Understanding AI’s Failure to Regurgitate Simple Facts About Western Early Music
SPRINGFIELD, IL — Local Facebook warrior and self-proclaimed “music historian” Greg Dawson has once again bravely taken to the comments section to demand an explanation for why artificial intelligence can’t accurately regurgitate simple facts about Western early music, despite its so-called “advanced learning capabilities.” Dawson, 54, a part-time landscaper and full-time spreader of unsolicited opinions,…
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