Categoria: Health
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Indian Hospitals Issue Guidelines: Is It a Pacemaker or Just Really Happy to See You?
New Delhi – In an unprecedented move that demonstrates India’s commitment to advancing healthcare protocols, the All India Institute of Cardiac Anomaly Prevention today issued its groundbreaking ‘Pacemaker Etiquette’ guidelines. This initiative aims to clarify the burgeoning confusion amongst hospital staff and patients alike: distinguishing between those adorned with pacemakers and individuals experiencing overwhelming felicity.…
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Surgeons Report Patients Experiencing Unprovoked Existential Crises After Routine Chatbot Consultations
Chicago, IL – In a shocking revelation that threatens to upend the medical community’s growing reliance on artificial intelligence, surgeons across the nation report an alarming increase in patients suffering spontaneous existential crises following routine pre-surgical chatbot consultations. This development has raised questions about the readiness of AI to handle human vulnerabilities without inadvertently sending…
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Hollywood Wellness Trend Alert: Celebrities Now Self-Diagnosing With ‘Gluten-Free Alzheimer’s’ To Stay Relevant
In a baffling but somehow predictable twist in the world of celebrity wellness trends, Hollywood’s beloved—and often bewildering—elite have flocked en masse to self-diagnose with Gluten-Free Alzheimer’s, an ailment as unexplained as it is non-existent. The nouveau condition, which has not been recognized by any medical authority but has somehow found its way into the…
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FDA Approves New Sports Drink Made From Ingredients That Legally Require a Parental Advisory Warning
The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has given the green light to a new sports drink that comes with its own parental advisory warning due to its controversial list of ingredients, raising eyebrows and heart rates across the nation. The beverage, aptly named “Adrenalize,” is marketed as a health supplement aimed at athletes who laugh…
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Western Australia Announces New Hospital Policy: Patients Encouraged To Self-Treat Using YouTube Tutorials
PERTH, AUSTRALIA — In a bold move celebrated as “21st-century healthcare reform” by its architects and “utter madness” by just about everyone else, the Western Australia Department of Health unveiled a new policy Thursday encouraging all hospital patients to opt for self-treatment—provided they follow instructions from high-quality YouTube tutorials. The initiative, titled “Operation Do-It-Yourself,” was…
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Magic Leap Veteran to Helm Initiative Turning Drone Headsets Into Seasonal Affective Disorder Cure
In what some experts are calling the boldest leap since processed cheese, former Magic Leap CCO and augmented reality savant Elysia Foxglove has announced her appointment as the head of SunShinez, a $400-million startup dedicated to transforming drone-mounted VR headsets into what she describes as “the first FDA-risked cure for seasonal affective disorder… that you…
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Nation’s Top Health Experts Announce New Wellness Initiative: Marathon of the Slow Descent into Madness
WASHINGTON—In a sweeping effort to get Americans moving without asking them to stand up, the nation’s leading health authorities on Tuesday unveiled a comprehensive wellness initiative encouraging citizens to join a “Marathon of the Slow Descent into Madness,” a structured 26.2-unit program designed to transform ambient existential dread into a heart-healthy routine. “This is a…
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