Categoria: Health
-
Lawmakers Shocked to Discover Fine Print Not Just for Reading; Surgical Consent Forms Allegedly More Than Mere Paperweights
Washington, D.C. – Lawmakers on Capitol Hill expressed surprise Tuesday after a bipartisan oversight committee revealed that the fine print on surgical consent forms may carry legal significance beyond decorative or stabilizing functions. The routine review, initially prompted by reports of “paper clutter” in operating theaters, has brought into question the longstanding assumption that such…
-
Senator Uncovers Secret Clause in Hospital Consent Forms: “May Also Grant Doctor Ownership of Your Firstborn
Washington, D.C. – In what congressional aides are calling “a routine document review,” Senator Marjorie Ballston (D-ME) claimed Wednesday to have identified a heretofore unnoticed clause buried within standardized hospital consent forms offering patients the option to grant their attending physician full custodial rights to any firstborn children. The clause, appearing only in fine italic…
-
Government Announces New ‘Stay Sick’ Initiative to Boost Local Economy as Citizens Flock Overseas for Cures
Washington, D.C. – The Department of Health and Commercial Affairs unveiled a sweeping new policy measure Friday, the ‘Stay Sick’ Initiative, intended to stimulate domestic economic growth by encouraging citizens with treatable ailments to forgo recovery and, in the words of Secretary Nelson Draft, “keep their dollars circulating right here at home, along with their…
-
Vince McMahon Unveils New WWE Character Based on His Therapist’s Therapy Goat, Fans Question Reality
Stamford, CT – WWE chairman Vince McMahon surprised viewers Wednesday evening by introducing a new wrestling persona, “Dr. Billie the Therapy Goat,” a character reportedly inspired by his personal therapist’s support animal. The unexpected debut during the flagship “Monday Night Raw” immediately prompted confusion among fans and industry analysts alike, many of whom expressed concern…
-
Scientists Discover New Species That Secretly Produces SPF 500, Prompting Humans to Reflect on Their Life Choices
Albany, NY – Scientists at the federally funded Suncore Biological Research Facility have announced the discovery of a previously unknown species of snail that produces an organic compound featuring a sun protection factor (SPF) of 500, raising new questions about humanity’s approach to sun safety and personal achievement. The discovery, made during a routine survey…
-
China’s Revolutionary ‘Bone Glue’ Spurs New Trend: DIY Orthopedic Surgery Kits Flooding Black Market
Beijing, China – Healthcare regulators in China are closely monitoring the emergence of black-market do-it-yourself orthopedic surgery kits, following the nationwide rollout of a state-endorsed “bone glue” hailed as a breakthrough in fracture healing. The adhesive, synthesized at the National Institute for Skeletal Innovation in Wuhan, promises to bind broken bones in minutes, dramatically reducing…
-
New Game ‘Blippo+’ Deemed Crucial Mental Health Service as Reality Continues Beta Testing
Washington, DC – In a landmark decision this week, the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) officially classified the hit game ‘Blippo+’ as an “essential mental health tool,” citing widespread reliance on the platform as the fabric of actual reality continues in its protracted beta phase. The move, which follows a surge in Blippo+…
-
Voters and Officers Join Forces in Collective Cardio Session as Politician’s Campaign Route Becomes Spontaneous Marathon
Allentown, PA – In a surprising turn of events during Saturday’s municipal campaign circuit, incumbent City Council candidate Marjorie Halven’s stroll through downtown rapidly escalated into an impromptu mass marathon lasting nearly six consecutive hours. Initial reports confirm that over 600 city residents, accompanied by a detachment of uniformed officers, participated in the unforeseen athletic…
-
NFL Draft Prospect Accidentally Discovers Cure For Insomnia During Post-Game Interview
Indianapolis, IN – In an unexpected turn of events more astounding than any Hail Mary pass, Devin “Drowsy” Johnson, a 22-year-old NFL draft prospect, has inadvertently stumbled upon a potential cure for insomnia during what is being described by many as the most soporific post-game interview in the history of American sports. The revelation occurred…
-
Nation Hopes Latest Trump Scandal Will Finally Reveal Ultimate Lie That Unlocks Free Healthcare
Washington, D.C. – In a stunning display of bipartisan optimism, citizens across the United States are eagerly anticipating that the latest scandal involving former President Donald Trump will unveil a hidden truth so monumental that it will instantaneously legitimize universal healthcare. According to sources close to the investigation, this long-awaited revelation promises to dismantle the…
Portuguese 
English