Categoria: Government
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BC Ferries CEO Announces New Policy: Customers to Pay for Own Life Jackets as Federal Funds Are ‘Busy Elsewhere’
Victoria, BC – In a move its leadership called a necessary “modernization” of maritime safety protocols, BC Ferries announced Tuesday that passengers embarking on any of its 25 routes will now be responsible for supplying and maintaining their own personal flotation devices. This comes after CEO Beckett Glenrose cited an “acute shortage” of federal marine…
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World Leaders Announce New Initiative to Simplify Policy by Adding More Layers
Geneva – In a historic joint press conference on Thursday, representatives from over 40 countries announced the official launch of the Unified Stratified Simplicity Accord (USSA), an ambitious initiative designed to reduce government complexity by introducing up to twelve new layers of policy clarification, implementation, and review. The move, which leaders hailed as a “once-in-a-lifetime…
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Elon Musk’s Latest Compensation Plan Includes Bonus for Successfully Relocating Delaware to Mars
Austin, TX – Tesla shareholders approved a controversial new compensation package for CEO Elon Musk on Thursday, including a built-in bonus of $57 billion if he successfully orchestrates the relocation of the state of Delaware to Mars by the year 2030. While details of the plan remained scarce during the shareholder meeting, Tesla filed a…
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Senator Unleashes Fiery Tirade as Political Opponents Attempt to Rebrand Science as a Liberal Conspiracy Theory
Washington, D.C. – Tempers flared on the Senate floor this morning as Senator Garth Waldrip (R-NC) delivered a blistering 47-minute speech decrying a controversial effort among several lawmakers to officially rebrand “science” as a liberal conspiracy theory. The proposal, introduced last week as a late-night rider to the National Infrastructure Bill, seeks to update all…
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Oklahoma Justice System Introduces ‘Free Pass Fridays’ for Politicians in Nude Photo Scandals
Oklahoma City, OK – In a sweeping judicial reform unveiled this week, the Oklahoma State Justice Department has announced the introduction of “Free Pass Fridays,” a new legal provision exempting sitting and aspiring politicians from prosecution in cases involving accidental or intentional distribution of nude photographs, provided the incidents occur before noon on Fridays. Justice…
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Scientists Announce Discovery of Time-Reversal Symmetry, Promptly Blame It for the State of the Universe
Geneva, Switzerland – In a landmark afternoon press conference, physicists at the Institute for Chronotemporal Studies (ICS) heralded the definitive observation of time-reversal symmetry in controlled laboratory conditions, declaring it both an exquisite scientific triumph and the “prime suspect” in a host of universal maladies, from cosmic entropy to the proliferation of garden gnomes. The…
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Windsor Castle Hires Defense Consultant to Counter Future Projections of American Democracy in Decline
Windsor, UK – In a move described as “cautiously strategic,” Windsor Castle has announced the hiring of a prominent defense consultant to advise on potential impacts to the British monarchy stemming from projected declines in American democracy. The royal household confirmed the appointment in a press release early Monday morning, emphasizing the appropriateness of “forward-looking…
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Trump Files Lawsuit Against Reality, Accuses It of Defamation and Intentional Infliction of Facts
Palm Beach, FL – Former President Donald J. Trump has filed a lawsuit against Reality, accusing it of defamation and the intentional infliction of facts, according to court documents obtained Thursday. The complaint, lodged in the U.S. District Court for the Southern District of Florida, claims that Reality has engaged in a pattern of “malicious…
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George Santos Unveils New Lawsuit Against Reality for Slandering His Fictional Universe
Albany, NY – Former Representative George Santos filed a sweeping lawsuit against “objective reality” on Thursday, citing alleged “deliberate misrepresentation and malicious slander” of the alternate universe in which he says he achieves most of his accomplishments. The 147-page brief, hand-delivered to the Albany County Court in a manila folder covered in glitter, names Reality…
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Disgraced Ex-Defense Chief Claims Marine’s Death Was Merely a “Tactical Casualty” in His Personal War Against Accountability
Washington, D.C. – Former Secretary of Defense Martin “Marty” Denholm broke nearly six months of public silence yesterday to address concerns regarding the 2023 training incident involving the late Corporal Garrett Schulte. Amid inquiries into his role, Denholm described the Marine’s demise as “not a loss, but a necessary tactical casualty” in his “ongoing personal…
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