Categoria: Government
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Martial Artist Confused to Learn That Punching Through Political Spectrum Doesn’t Secure Presidency
Des Moines, IA – Regional martial arts champion Doug Seldon expressed confusion today after learning that his recent feat—punching cleanly through a full-color poster representation of the American political spectrum—will not automatically secure him the presidency, contrary to what he had been led to believe. The incident occurred Wednesday morning during a sparsely attended fundraiser…
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Australian Government Introduces $1,600 ‘Rock Recognition’ Fine to Combat Epidemic of Ignorance in National Parks
Canberra, ACT – The Australian government has announced a new $1,600 on-the-spot fine targeting visitors who fail to correctly identify geological features in national parks, effective immediately. The “Rock Recognition Penalty,” officials assert, is intended to stem the rising tide of “geological ignorance” which, according to a recent parliamentary briefing, now ranks among the top…
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Australia Introduces $1,613 Penalty for Anyone Caught Admiring National Park Scenery Without Proper Permit
Canberra, AU – In a bid to better regulate the appreciation of Australia’s natural wonders, the Department of Environmental Revenue has unveiled a new $1,613 penalty for individuals found admiring national park scenery without the appropriate permit. The initiative, described by officials as “an essential harmonization of emotional regulation and civic responsibility,” is expected to…
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National Park Rock Enters Witness Protection After Revealing Secret to Avoiding $1,613 Fines
Yellowstone, WY – A landmark igneous formation in Yellowstone National Park has reportedly entered the federal witness protection program after divulging its secret for avoiding the National Park Service’s standard $1,613 rock-removal fine, according to park officials. National Park spokesperson Dr. Linda Agate confirmed today that “Slatey,” the three-ton granite monolith beloved by hikers along…
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Arkansas Invests in Groundbreaking “Win-Loss Insurance” Policy to Offset Future Coaching Buyout Costs
Little Rock, AR – In a move heralded by state officials as “fiscally innovative,” Arkansas has become the first state to purchase a comprehensive “Win-Loss Insurance” policy designed to shield public universities from the escalating cost of athletic coaching buyouts. The policy, underwritten by the boutique risk-management firm Pinnacle Umbra, will pay out automatically should…
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Congress Embarks on New Reality Show: “Budget Survivor,” Where Nobody Wins and Everyone Gets Voted Off the Island
Washington, DC – In a bold initiative aimed at increasing transparency and public engagement, Congress has announced the launch of “Budget Survivor,” a government-produced reality television event in which members of Congress compete to not be ousted from the Capitol Rotunda each week. The program, co-developed by the House Appropriations Committee and the Executive Office…
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Pentagon Launches New Press Freedom Initiative: Journalists Now Allowed to Report What They’re Told Not to Know
Washington, D.C. – In a move hailed as a triumph for transparency, the Department of Defense today unveiled its new Press Freedom Initiative, formally permitting accredited journalists to report on information they are explicitly instructed not to possess. Pentagon spokesperson Maj. Alice Farthing issued a statement lauding the program as “a revitalization of core American…
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Local Politicians Thrilled as New ‘Adult Supervision’ Party Promises to Fix Everything with Gold Stars and Detention
ALBANY, NY – A wave of cautious optimism spread through Albany’s city council chambers this morning as the fledgling Adult Supervision Party officially unveiled its signature platform: a sweeping program to resolve chronic governance issues using gold stars, time-outs, and structured after-meeting detentions. The ASP, formed last November by a bipartisan coalition of ex-school board…
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Albanese Government Unveils New Emissions Model Based on Astrological Charts and Wishful Thinking
Canberra, ACT – The Albanese government on Wednesday announced a significant overhaul of its climate policy framework, unveiling a new emissions projection model that will combine traditional datasets with the consultative reading of astrological charts and “pure, good-minded wishful thinking.” Climate Minister Fiona Melrose described the approach as “forward-thinking and aligned with both planetary and…
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NASA Announces New Mission: Boys to Venus, Promises Detailed Study of Gender Imbalance in Space Exploration
Houston, TX – In a press conference early Tuesday, NASA unveiled its latest initiative: Boys to Venus, a mission specifically conceived to address the perceived gender imbalance that has long defined human space exploration. Agency officials report the first all-male crew since 1982 will embark on an eighteen-month journey to Earth’s twin planet, where, according…
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