Categoria: Government
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Texas Tech Claims Victory, Promptly Demands Sovereign Nation Status to Avoid NCAA Rulebook
Lubbock, TX – Following their resounding victory in the regional finals, Texas Tech University’s athletic department stunned the collegiate sports world on Tuesday by declaring itself a sovereign nation and formally petitioning the NCAA for “immediate exemption from all further rulebook procedures.” In an afternoon press conference, Athletic Director Connor W. Hensley unfurled a hand-sewn…
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Youth Sports Team Triumphs Over Opponent, Learns Valuable Lesson About How Winning Is The Only Thing That Matters In Life
Riverside, OH – In a rousing display of athletic prowess and single-minded determination, the Riverside Raptors Youth Soccer Team claimed a 6-0 victory over their cross-town rivals, the Meadowlark Monarchs, on Saturday afternoon. Following the game, coaches, parents, and local leaders praised the team not only for their technical skills but, more poignantly, for absorbing…
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Octogenarian Breaks Speed Record, Prompting Government to Consider Speed Limit for Humans Over 75
Minneapolis, MN – An 84-year-old resident of North Minneapolis has reportedly shattered the previously unofficial “octogenarian speed record,” igniting a national debate and prompting the Department of Transportation to convene an emergency task force on the implementation of speed limits for citizens over the age of 75. Witnesses say Augustus Prell, a retired linotype operator,…
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Korean Drama Star Publicly Denies Plot Line as National Institute of Fictional Realism Declares It “Historical Fact
Seoul, South Korea – Leading Korean drama star Min-Jae Park has issued a formal statement denying the plausibility of a major plot point from his most recent series, “Love Under Siege,” just days after the National Institute of Fictional Realism (NIFR) declared the storyline a matter of “historical record.” The contradiction between actor and agency…
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Nation Opts for New Freedom: The Right to Complain About Borders While Refusing to Fund Their Security
Washington, D.C. – In a decisive move late Tuesday, Congress overwhelmingly passed the Freedom to Complain About Borders Act, establishing every citizen’s unquestionable right to vocally lament the state of national frontiers, all while steadfastly refusing to allocate funds for their improvement. The measure, championed by a bipartisan coalition, enshrines in law both the right…
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Texas Tech Declares Sovereignty After Win, Applies for UN Membership as Independent Sports Republic
Lubbock, TX – In a move that has stunned the collegiate athletics community and several constitutional scholars, Texas Tech University has proclaimed complete sovereignty following its victory over rival Texas A&M, submitting formal applications to both the United Nations and FIFA as the “Independent Republic of Red Raider Sports.” University President Merritt Clagstone delivered the…
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Nationwide Pillow Fort Initiative Proposed as Solution to Border Security and Personal Freedom
Washington, D.C. – In a pre-dawn press conference Thursday, Department of Homeland Security Secretary Neville Silvers announced a bold new proposal aiming to address both border security and what officials termed “the deepening American longing for personal freedom.” The proposed Nationwide Pillow Fort Initiative would encourage citizens to erect protective, load-bearing pillow forts throughout their…
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Nation Prepares for Another Round of Budget Limbo as Congress Embarks on Annual Tradition of Blame Roulette
Washington, D.C. – Lawmakers returned from recess this week to commence the revered annual legislative ritual known colloquially as “Blame Roulette,” formally described in Congressional briefings as “the robust bipartisan dialogue over fiscal priorities.” Sources confirm that, with the nation’s fiscal year looming, both chambers have entered the preliminary phase of what the Office of…
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Lawmakers Engage in High-Stakes Blame Game to Determine Who Will Be Saddled with ‘Government Shutdown Hero’ Title
Washington, DC – As federal agencies brace for another looming government shutdown, lawmakers from both parties have entered the final, feverish stage of negotiations to determine which member will be publicly burdened with the coveted and career-threatening title of “Government Shutdown Hero.” The title, granted to the legislator who most visibly stands in the way…
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Texas Tech Declares Sovereignty After Historic Win, Demands Recognition from United Nations and NCAA
Lubbock, TX – Texas Tech University formally declared sovereignty late Monday night, hours after its men’s basketball team clinched a historic 68-61 victory over a long-standing rival. In a statement issued from the university’s athletic director’s office, Texas Tech called upon the United Nations and the National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA) to “immediately and unequivocally…
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