Categoria: Government
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Rising Political Star Unveils Revolutionary Plan to Solve National Issues by Simply Ignoring Them Until They Go Away
Washington, D.C. – In a move political observers are already calling “boldly inert,” Representative Carson Llewellyn (I-VA) introduced what he describes as a “revolutionary, hands-off policy platform,” promising to address the nation’s most pressing concerns by categorically ignoring them until, as predicted in his eighty-page proposal, “they resolve themselves through the natural passage of time…
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Outrage as Police Launch Investigation into Comedian’s Joke About Police Investigations
Manchester, UK – A local comedian’s routine has become the subject of official scrutiny after authorities launched a full-scale investigation into a recent joke about police investigations. The incident, which occurred at a sold-out show on Saturday night, has drawn criticism from free speech advocates and has prompted the formation of a specialized 12-person task…
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Jimmy Kimmel’s Return to ABC Declared National Holiday, America Rejoices with 48-Hour Screen Time Challenge
Los Angeles, CA – In an unprecedented gesture, the White House officially proclaimed “Jimmy Kimmel Live Resumption Day” a national holiday on Monday, following ABC’s announcement of Jimmy Kimmel’s highly anticipated return to late-night television after a brief hiatus. In a televised address, Press Secretary Lloyd Hammett stated, “This is a momentous occasion for American…
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Stuff happens
Albany, NY – An official report released Tuesday confirmed that, despite months of cautious optimism and robust preventative measures, stuff continues to happen nationwide. The bipartisan Congressional Subcommittee on Unexpected Developments cited 2023’s annual Stuff Assessment as “alarming, but not surprising,” noting a persistent rise in unplanned occurrences across fifteen sectors. Analysts at the National…
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Shit happened
Albany, NY – In a development that officials are calling both “inevitable” and “impossible to fully quantify,” sources have confirmed that shit happened early Tuesday morning in various locations across the region. The incident, initially reported by a series of confused and mildly discomfited residents, has since been acknowledged by municipal agencies and the Governor’s…
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Your Headline Here
Your Headline Here Springfield, IL – Local authorities have begun distributing the long-awaited “Ambiguous Object Permits” to residents this week, following new state guidelines aimed at regulating the possession, storage, and open display of items whose purpose is unclear. Officials claim the policy will “streamline confusion management” and ensure that the city’s enigmatic artifacts remain…
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World Leaders Convene for Historic Summit on Strategic Ignorance, Promise to Reschedule After Every Leak
Geneva, Switzerland – An unprecedented gathering of world leaders commenced—or nearly did—on Monday, as presidents, prime ministers, and sovereign holograms assembled for the inaugural Summit on Strategic Ignorance. Convened at the behest of the International Council for Willful Forgetfulness (ICWF), the summit was designed to foster the deliberate cultivation of administrative unknowingness in global affairs.…
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Markets Rally After Dogs Put In Charge
Markets Rally After Dogs Put In Charge Global financial markets surged to unprecedented highs Monday following the formal installation of canines in executive positions across major stock exchanges. The transition, described as “unexpected yet orderly” by the Securities and Equities Alignment Directorate (SEAD), began shortly after the pre-market bell, when a coalition of Labradors, German…
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Congress Announces New Shutdown Game Show: “Who’s the Biggest Grudge Holder?
Washington, D.C. – In response to mounting public frustration over recurring government shutdowns, Congressional leaders on Thursday announced a joint bipartisan initiative: a prime-time television game show called “Who’s the Biggest Grudge Holder?” The program, produced in partnership with C-SPAN, will feature lawmakers from both chambers competing to see who can stall federal funding the…
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Government Announces Groundbreaking Plan to Support Autism by Listening to Uninformed Panel of Experts
Washington, D.C. – In a widely anticipated move, the Department of Health and Human Services unveiled yesterday its new initiative to support Americans with autism, relying exclusively on the recommendations of an advisory panel composed entirely of individuals with no prior knowledge of autism. According to the official statement, the “Uninformed Autism Strategies Council” convened…
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