Categoria: Government
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Trump Claims Mastery In Grass Studies, Appointed Head of New Department for Lawn Security
Washington, D.C. – In an unprecedented move, former President Donald Trump has declared himself a world-leading authority in “grass studies,” culminating in his appointment as the head of the newly minted Department for Lawn Security. This announcement was made at a hastily organized press briefing on Tuesday morning, where Trump assured the American public of…
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FBI Launches Investigation After President Mistakes Red-Light District For Solar Energy Boom
Washington, D.C. – In an unprecedented move this week, the FBI has embarked on a full-scale investigation after President Matthew Pictureframe mistakenly identified a bustling red-light district as a burgeoning hub of solar energy. The blunder, officials say, stems from a recent visit to the town of Amberglow, a small economic enclave once celebrated for…
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National Police Union Endorses New ‘Mandatory Flexing’ Program to Boost Morale and Muscle Definition
Washington, D.C. – In a landmark decision influenced by what insiders are calling “a need to keep things tight,” the National Police Union has endorsed a groundbreaking initiative aiming to redefine law enforcement standards nationwide. Aptly named the ‘Mandatory Flexing’ program, this novel approach is intended to enhance both morale and physical appearance, offering a…
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Obscure Auto Brand Introduces Steering Wheel That Dispenses Apologies, Sparks Epidemic of Drivers Sobbing in Traffic
Salt Lake City, UT – In a groundbreaking move aimed at addressing the emotional welfare of motorists, obscure automobile manufacturer Tangent Motors has unveiled its latest innovation: a steering wheel equipped with an automatic apology dispenser. This unprecedented feature has reportedly led to a dramatic increase in emotional breakdowns among drivers across the nation. The…
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New Ford Model Unveils ‘Dig Mode,’ Prompting Congress to Draft Emergency Legislation on Accidental Moles
DETROIT, MI – In a surprise move that could revolutionize backyard landscaping forever, Ford Motor Company has officially unveiled its latest vehicle feature: the long-rumored ‘Dig Mode’. Automakers hailed the innovation as a breakthrough, while lawmakers raced to control the sudden proliferation of underground tunnels crisscrossing beneath residential neighborhoods. The ‘Dig Mode’, available exclusively on…
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NASA’s Mars Rover Stumbles Upon Helmet-Shaped Rock, Files OSHA Complaint Over Mandatory Space Hazards
Pasadena, CA – In a development that promises to revolutionize the field of interplanetary exploration and occupational safety on Mars, NASA’s Perseverance Rover has filed an official complaint with the Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA). The complaint was submitted following the discovery of a rock on Mars that strongly resembles a regulation safety helmet.…
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GOP Unveils Bold Strategy to Secure Future by Turning Every State into Florida
Washington, D.C. – In a move set to redefine the political landscape, the Republican Party has announced its audacious new strategy aimed at securing electoral dominance for generations to come: transforming every state in America into a virtual replica of Florida. Party officials expressed optimism that if the entire nation can embrace the Florida way…
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Gambian Government Unveils New Policy to Repurpose Unsold Tractors as Temporary Ministers
Banjul, The Gambia – In an unprecedented move aimed at addressing both surplus and deficit, the Gambian government has proudly announced a groundbreaking policy to convert unsold tractors into provisional ministers. This new initiative, heralded as a “landmark in agricultural-bureaucratic synergy,” seeks to resolve the nation’s growing inventory of unused farm equipment while simultaneously filling…
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Congress Unveils New ‘Invisible Earmarks’ for Discreetly Funding Existential Crises
Washington, D.C. – In a groundbreaking move aimed at elevating governmental innovation to previously unimagined levels of abstraction, Congress has introduced a line of “invisible earmarks” designated for the covert funding of existential crises. The initiative, hailed as a legislative masterpiece of conceptual elegance, is poised to underwrite a wide array of inchoate societal dilemmas…
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Nigerian Oil Production Goal Accidentally Summons Ancient OPEC Curse Requiring Sacrifice of Three Bureaucrats
Abuja, Nigeria – In an unprecedented twist of fate, Nigeria’s latest initiative to boost its oil production capacity has inadvertently triggered an arcane OPEC curse dating back to the organization’s founding. Sources within the Nigerian Ministry of Petroleum Resources, who spoke under condition of anonymity to avoid supernatural reprisal, confirmed that the endeavor to align…
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