Categoria: Government
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Lawmakers Shocked to Discover Fine Print Not Just for Reading; Surgical Consent Forms Allegedly More Than Mere Paperweights
Washington, D.C. – Lawmakers on Capitol Hill expressed surprise Tuesday after a bipartisan oversight committee revealed that the fine print on surgical consent forms may carry legal significance beyond decorative or stabilizing functions. The routine review, initially prompted by reports of “paper clutter” in operating theaters, has brought into question the longstanding assumption that such…
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World Leaders Confidently Predict Enduring Peace Right After Latest Conflict Reaches Perfectly Balanced Chaos
Geneva – As diplomats from 78 nations concluded the latest round of peace talks, world leaders expressed unanimous and unwavering confidence that enduring global harmony is imminent now that the most recent international conflict has stabilized into what officials describe as “a perfectly balanced state of chaos.” President Sofia Mertz of the United Global Council…
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Government Announces New ‘Chill Mode’ Shutdown, Promises to Keep Nation in Suspended Animation for Undetermined Duration
Washington, D.C. – In an ambitious move to promote national calm and conserve resources, the U.S. government unveiled its inaugural “Chill Mode” shutdown on Tuesday. Senior administration officials said the measure will see the entire country placed in a state of technologically enhanced suspended animation for a length of time not yet determined. According to…
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Middle East Achieves Unified Agreement to Disagree as New Peace Deal Sets Record for Most Simultaneous Rejections
Geneva – Diplomats from across the Middle East have hailed a historic breakthrough this week as every major party signed onto a new peace framework known as the “Unified Agreement to Disagree.” The accord, brokered under the auspices of the United Nations’ Subcommittee on General Ambivalence, marks the first time in diplomatic history that a…
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Nation Holds Breath as Government Shutdown Threatens to Finally Prove Middle Management is Non-Essential
Washington, D.C. – As federal agencies brace for the midnight deadline that could shut down nonessential operations, economists and management consultants nationwide are nervously monitoring what they call “the greatest natural experiment in American middle management since the invention of PowerPoint.” Several White House senior staffers reportedly spent the morning tabulating which agencies’ custodial, front-line,…
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New Study Links Rising Tide of Misinformation to Increased Chance of Flat Earth Belief by Age 5
Cambridge, MA – A sweeping new study from the International Institute for Cognitive Clarity suggests a startling correlation between children’s early exposure to online misinformation and a surging belief in a flat Earth before kindergarten age. Researchers say the pattern is “statistically significant, epistemologically concerning, and geometrically regressive.” Drawing on data collected from over 40,000…
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Galactic Chain Letters Spotted in Space, Scientists Bracing for Cosmic Pyramid Scheme to Begin
Cape Canaveral, FL – Astronomers at the Deep Sky Correspondence Facility reported Tuesday that a series of anomalous, repetitive radio transmissions are circulating across the Orion Arm, bearing what experts now fear are the first documented cases of galactic chain letters. The transmissions, deciphered late Monday evening, instruct receivers to “forward this message to ten…
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Government Unveils Plans for World’s Largest Stadium in Middle of Nowhere, Forgets About Roads to Get There
Wyoming Plains – The Department of Megaprojects announced Monday the approval of “The WySphere,” a 300,000-seat multipurpose stadium slated for construction in the center of the American Steppe, seventy miles from the nearest paved road. Officials lauded the development as “a revolutionary commitment to sporting excellence and regional transformation,” though logistical plans have drawn early…
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Ex-NFL Star’s New Charity ‘Touchdowns for Traffickers’ Raises Funds and Eyebrows
Dallas, TX – Former All-Pro linebacker Mark “Crusher” Callahan unveiled his latest philanthropic venture this week, launching ‘Touchdowns for Traffickers,’ a charity he says is “dedicated to bringing high-scoring support to the world’s most hustling entrepreneurs.” The non-profit, registered Monday with the state of Texas, has already raised over $1.2 million in pledges, according to…
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Germany Introduces New Citizenship Path: 10-Year Pantomime of Proving You’re Not a Time-Traveling Habsburg
Berlin – The German Interior Ministry has unveiled a new pathway to citizenship this week: a decade-long surveillance program requiring applicants to silently demonstrate, through pantomime, that they are not clandestine temporal infiltrators from the defunct House of Habsburg. Officials described the measure as “a necessary evolution in national security frameworks,” following months of closed-door…
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