Categoria: Economy
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New Tax Code Reduces Forms by Simply Merging Nation’s Income with National Debt
WASHINGTON—In a sweeping simplification that officials praised as “both elegant and inevitable,” the federal government on Thursday unveiled a new tax code that reduces paperwork by combining every American’s income with the national debt into a single, all-purpose number that nobody has to look at ever again. “For years, taxpayers have pleaded with us to…
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Pope Announces Vatican’s First IPO as Church Ventures into Miracles-as-a-Service Industry
VATICAN CITY—Pivoting from centuries of non-profit salvation to a recurring-revenue gospel, the Holy See on Thursday announced plans to file for the first initial public offering in Vatican history, unveiling a subscription platform for on-demand divine intervention marketed as “Miracles-as-a-Service.” “We are not selling grace; grace is free,” said the pontiff, flanked by a thurible…
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Economy Baffled as New Cryptocurrency Pegs Value to Average Height of Cabinet Ministers
In a groundbreaking move that has left economists scratching their heads and investors scrambling for measuring tapes, a new cryptocurrency, VertiCoin, has emerged on the market with its value pegged to the average height of cabinet ministers. The currency’s launch was announced at an exclusive gala event where attendees were required to present their own…
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Census Bureau Announces 12 New Demographic Categories Based Solely on Pasta Preferences
In a groundbreaking move that has left sociologists and chefs alike scratching their heads, the U.S. Census Bureau announced today the introduction of 12 new demographic categories based solely on pasta preferences. The decision comes after a decade-long study into the nation’s culinary proclivities, which revealed that Americans are far more divided by their choice…
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Nationwide Recall Issued for All Mirrors After Public Demand for More Relatable Reflections
In an unprecedented move that has sent shockwaves through the realms of home decor and self-perception, the U.S. Department of Reflective Surfaces (USDRS) announced a nationwide recall of all mirrors. The decision follows mounting public outcry for reflections that are “more relatable” and less prone to highlighting human imperfections. The recall, which covers every mirror…
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Department of Motor Vehicles Installs Meditation Pods for Staff Experiencing Existential Crisis Over New Form 72B-Q9
In an unprecedented move to address the growing mental health concerns among its employees, the Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) has installed meditation pods in offices nationwide. This initiative comes in response to what insiders are calling “an existential crisis of cosmic proportions” triggered by the introduction of the new Form 72B-Q9. The form, which…
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New Government Program Successfully Converts National Debt Into Collectible NFTs
In an unprecedented move that has left economists scratching their heads and art collectors reaching for their digital wallets, the federal government announced today the successful conversion of the national debt into a series of limited-edition collectible NFTs. The initiative, dubbed “Debt-Chain,” aims to transform trillions of dollars in debt into what officials are calling…
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Breaking News: Nation Breathes Sigh of Relief as Futile Hope Officially Declared Renewable Resource
In a landmark move that has sent ripples through both the scientific community and the general public, the Department of Energy announced today that futile hope has been officially classified as a renewable resource. The decision comes after exhaustive studies verified that the supply of futile hope is not only limitless but also self-regenerating, often…
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