Categoria: Culture
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Senator Vance Accidentally Discovers Secret Ingredient To All-Consuming Political Black Hole While Discussing Podcasting Ethics
Washington, D.C. – In what officials are describing as “the most significant metaphysical blunder of the session,” Senator J.D. Vance (R-OH) inadvertently uncovered the primary accelerant for an ever-expanding political black hole during a routine Senate hearing on podcasting ethics Tuesday. The revelation reportedly occurred after Vance’s offhand comment regarding “truthless amplification metrics,” which instantly…
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Revolutionary Restaurant Concept “Bring Your Own Lunch” Stuns Customers With Its Refreshing Commitment to Not Interfering
BROOKLYN, NY — At a time when restaurants everywhere are burdening customers with complicated menus, unpredictable flavors, and the constant anxiety of whether or not the chef remembered to hold the onions, Williamsburg’s newest culinary hotspot BYOL: Bring Your Own Lunch is earning rave reviews for its radical restraint. Rather than inserting itself into the…
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Local Man Heroically Battles Rising Cost of Living by Switching from Avocados to More Cost-Effective Gravel
In a commendable display of frugality and intestinal fortitude, local man Jonathan Frumps has declared victory over the inordinately surging cost of living by substituting his beloved avocados—a former staple of his chipotle-smeared lifestyle—with the significantly more economical option of gravel. For years, Frumps was an ardent devotee of the nutrient-rich, albeit financially draining, alligator…
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Local Man Proudly Announces New Year’s Resolution to Get More Excuses Ready for Next Year’s Resolutions
In a groundbreaking move for the world of self-improvement and deferment, local man Steve Thompson has confidently announced his New Year’s resolution for 2024: to be better prepared with excuses for not fulfilling his 2025 resolutions. Thompson, a 34-year-old professional procrastinator and part-time graphic designer, shared his paradigm-shifting plan at a holiday gathering, much to…
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Local Woman Achieves Nirvana Through Six Simple Yoga Poses and Copious Amounts of Merlot
In a groundbreaking development that has shaken the very foundations of spiritual practice, local yoga enthusiast and busy real estate agent Susan Klein claims to have reached a state of nirvana using an unconventional method involving half a dozen yoga poses and an equally substantial quantity of Merlot. According to Klein, the path to enlightenment…
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Local Man Achieves Spiritual Enlightenment, Immediately Sells Out with Self-Help Book Deal
In a monumental feat of existential perseverance, local resident Trevor Wistful has reportedly achieved spiritual enlightenment, a state of being revered by sages, monks, and now book publishers. Just moments after receiving the transcendent understanding of life’s deepest mysteries, Wistful found himself weighed down not by material desires, but rather by an overwhelming urge to…
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Local Man Completes Full Week Of Beginner Meditation Course Without Achieving Enlightenment, Demands Refund
In a stunning revelation that has shaken the foundations of luxury mindfulness retreats everywhere, local man Kyle Patterson has completed a full week of a beginner meditation course without achieving the enlightenment he anticipated, leading him to demand a full refund from the Pure Tranquility Wellness Center. Patterson, a 32-year-old account manager and self-proclaimed “seeker…
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