Categoria: Corporate
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Desperate Soccer Team Considers Hiring Man Recently Fired for Being Bad at Job, Surprised by Lack of Enthusiasm
Shrewsbury, UK – Citing a mounting stack of losses and a growing sense of “collective malaise,” Shrewsbury Town AFC confirmed this week that they are in advanced negotiations to sign Ian Deemster, a 46-year-old former accounts manager recently dismissed from his last role for being, according to official HR documentation, “demonstrably incapable of meeting minimum…
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Tech Giants Unveil New AI Feature: ‘Consent’ Now an Optional In-App Purchase
San Francisco, CA – In a move that industry leaders describe as “disruptively customer-centric,” several major technology companies jointly announced today the rollout of a new artificial intelligence feature, in which the concept of “consent” has been reimagined as a premium in-app purchase. The innovation, which will appear across a range of widely used social,…
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Tech CEOs Admit to Embezzlement for Tax Purposes, Insist It’s Just Good Business Strategy
San Francisco, CA – In a coordinated announcement early Wednesday, several of America’s leading tech CEOs admitted to systematic embezzlement of company funds, arguing that the practice is an “overlooked but powerful” tax optimization strategy. The press conference, hosted in a Palo Alto co-working space decorated with reclaimed bitcoin servers, drew executives from eight Fortune…
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Oddity Tech Ltd. Reveals Plan to Hold 2025 AGM on Mars to Accommodate Growing Shareholder Ambivalence
London — In a move described by company officials as “boldly responsive,” Oddity Tech Ltd. announced Thursday that its 2025 Annual General Meeting will be held on the surface of Mars, citing persistent and “deepening” shareholder apathy as the driving factor behind the decision. CEO Barb Coltrane characterized the relocation as “an innovative solution to…
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Manchester United Attempts to Outdo Chelsea by Introducing Loyalty Program for Sacked Managers
Manchester, UK – In a bold move designed to surpass rival Chelsea’s famous managerial revolving door, Manchester United on Thursday unveiled a new loyalty program exclusively for managers who have been dismissed from their positions with the club. The initiative, dubbed “Redemption Rewards,” promises to “transform the sacking experience” and deepen lifelong allegiances among its…
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Celebrity Underwear Firm Offers Exclusive Tour to Distract from Underwear Shortage Scandal
Los Angeles, CA – In an unexpected response to recent controversy, acclaimed luxury underwear brand Veil Intimates has announced an “Exclusive Behind-the-Seams Tour” for select fans and media. This initiative arrives mere days after reports of a severe product shortage that left several high-profile customers without fresh pairs for televised appearances. While executives deny any…
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Method Actor Infiltrates Tech Company, Accidentally Promoted to Principal Engineer
Silicon Valley, CA — Deductible.io’s latest Principal Engineer isn’t a coder, architect, or even remotely technical. He’s a method actor who has spent the last decade performing engineering — and somehow convinced leadership that’s the same thing. Pull Requests as Stage Props Julian Hopewell built his reputation on a peculiar craft: sample PRs and draft…
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Method Actor Infiltrates Tech Company, Accidentally Promoted to Staff Engineer
San Jose, CA – In what corporate analysts are calling a “rare but inevitable convergence,” a method actor who had intended to research a potential role as a “burned-out software engineer” has been accidentally promoted to Staff Engineer at Meridian Horizons, one of Silicon Valley’s leading cloud solutions providers. The actor, known to colleagues only…
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Local Engineer Revealed To Be Method Actor Doing 10-Year Bit
St. Louis, MO – Residents of Westmore Heights were startled this week to learn that William Dunphy, widely regarded as a dependable process engineer at local firm Covalence Industries, has been quietly engaged in an extended method acting project for the past ten years. The revelation emerged after Covalence’s annual Human Resource Reflection Initiative uncovered…
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Markets Rally After Dogs Put In Charge
Markets Rally After Dogs Put In Charge Global financial markets surged to unprecedented highs Monday following the formal installation of canines in executive positions across major stock exchanges. The transition, described as “unexpected yet orderly” by the Securities and Equities Alignment Directorate (SEAD), began shortly after the pre-market bell, when a coalition of Labradors, German…
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