Categoria: Bureaucracy
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Texas Tech Celebrates Arrival as College Football Powerhouse by Inventing New Sport to Dominate Next Season
Lubbock, TX – Texas Tech University formally commemorated its ascendance to the upper echelons of collegiate football this week by announcing the immediate invention of a new athletic endeavor, provisionally titled “Gridiron Sphereball.” In a joint press conference with the Southwest Association of Competitive Activities, university officials confirmed their intent to dominate this original sport…
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Martial Artist Confused to Learn That Punching Through Political Spectrum Doesn’t Secure Presidency
Des Moines, IA – Regional martial arts champion Doug Seldon expressed confusion today after learning that his recent feat—punching cleanly through a full-color poster representation of the American political spectrum—will not automatically secure him the presidency, contrary to what he had been led to believe. The incident occurred Wednesday morning during a sparsely attended fundraiser…
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Australian Government Introduces $1,600 ‘Rock Recognition’ Fine to Combat Epidemic of Ignorance in National Parks
Canberra, ACT – The Australian government has announced a new $1,600 on-the-spot fine targeting visitors who fail to correctly identify geological features in national parks, effective immediately. The “Rock Recognition Penalty,” officials assert, is intended to stem the rising tide of “geological ignorance” which, according to a recent parliamentary briefing, now ranks among the top…
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Australia Introduces $1,613 Penalty for Anyone Caught Admiring National Park Scenery Without Proper Permit
Canberra, AU – In a bid to better regulate the appreciation of Australia’s natural wonders, the Department of Environmental Revenue has unveiled a new $1,613 penalty for individuals found admiring national park scenery without the appropriate permit. The initiative, described by officials as “an essential harmonization of emotional regulation and civic responsibility,” is expected to…
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Virginia Tech’s New Strategy: Win Games by Ensuring Opponents Never Heard of Basketball
Blacksburg, VA – In a bold departure from conventional athletics, Virginia Tech’s athletic director announced today that the university’s basketball program will invest exclusively in scheduling games against teams who have, according to exhaustive database checks, “never heard of basketball.” The announcement follows a difficult conference season, in which the Hokies recorded their lowest average…
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Local Politicians Thrilled as New ‘Adult Supervision’ Party Promises to Fix Everything with Gold Stars and Detention
ALBANY, NY – A wave of cautious optimism spread through Albany’s city council chambers this morning as the fledgling Adult Supervision Party officially unveiled its signature platform: a sweeping program to resolve chronic governance issues using gold stars, time-outs, and structured after-meeting detentions. The ASP, formed last November by a bipartisan coalition of ex-school board…
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Ex-Barcelona Coach’s Head Injury Sparks New FIFA Rule: Helmets Mandatory for Coaches to Avoid Tactical Concussions
Geneva, Switzerland – FIFA announced Tuesday a sweeping new regulation requiring all professional football coaches to wear helmets during training sessions and matches, following a well-publicized head injury sustained by former Barcelona manager Lluís Bemora. The global governing body cited the “growing epidemic” of what it now terms “tactical concussions” among elite coaching staff. The…
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World Leaders Announce New Initiative to Simplify Policy by Adding More Layers
Geneva – In a historic joint press conference on Thursday, representatives from over 40 countries announced the official launch of the Unified Stratified Simplicity Accord (USSA), an ambitious initiative designed to reduce government complexity by introducing up to twelve new layers of policy clarification, implementation, and review. The move, which leaders hailed as a “once-in-a-lifetime…
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Senator Unleashes Fiery Tirade as Political Opponents Attempt to Rebrand Science as a Liberal Conspiracy Theory
Washington, D.C. – Tempers flared on the Senate floor this morning as Senator Garth Waldrip (R-NC) delivered a blistering 47-minute speech decrying a controversial effort among several lawmakers to officially rebrand “science” as a liberal conspiracy theory. The proposal, introduced last week as a late-night rider to the National Infrastructure Bill, seeks to update all…
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Disgraced Ex-Defense Chief Claims Marine’s Death Was Merely a “Tactical Casualty” in His Personal War Against Accountability
Washington, D.C. – Former Secretary of Defense Martin “Marty” Denholm broke nearly six months of public silence yesterday to address concerns regarding the 2023 training incident involving the late Corporal Garrett Schulte. Amid inquiries into his role, Denholm described the Marine’s demise as “not a loss, but a necessary tactical casualty” in his “ongoing personal…
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