Categoria: Bureaucracy
-
Stuff happens
Albany, NY – An official report released Tuesday confirmed that, despite months of cautious optimism and robust preventative measures, stuff continues to happen nationwide. The bipartisan Congressional Subcommittee on Unexpected Developments cited 2023’s annual Stuff Assessment as “alarming, but not surprising,” noting a persistent rise in unplanned occurrences across fifteen sectors. Analysts at the National…
-
Shit happened
Albany, NY – In a development that officials are calling both “inevitable” and “impossible to fully quantify,” sources have confirmed that shit happened early Tuesday morning in various locations across the region. The incident, initially reported by a series of confused and mildly discomfited residents, has since been acknowledged by municipal agencies and the Governor’s…
-
Your Headline Here
Your Headline Here Springfield, IL – Local authorities have begun distributing the long-awaited “Ambiguous Object Permits” to residents this week, following new state guidelines aimed at regulating the possession, storage, and open display of items whose purpose is unclear. Officials claim the policy will “streamline confusion management” and ensure that the city’s enigmatic artifacts remain…
-
Cardboard-Centric Surrealist Film Revealed as Elaborate Cover for Local Recycling Initiative, Critics Praise Environmental Commitment
Portland, OR – The recent release of the much-anticipated surrealist feature “Corrugated Dreams” has been lauded by both art-house film critics and sustainability advocates alike, following revelations that the project is, in fact, an elaborate cover for the city’s largest-ever recycling drive. The film, directed by local auteur Imogen Trees, garnered two standing ovations during…
-
Government Announces Groundbreaking Plan to Support Autism by Listening to Uninformed Panel of Experts
Washington, D.C. – In a widely anticipated move, the Department of Health and Human Services unveiled yesterday its new initiative to support Americans with autism, relying exclusively on the recommendations of an advisory panel composed entirely of individuals with no prior knowledge of autism. According to the official statement, the “Uninformed Autism Strategies Council” convened…
-
Local Sports Miracle: Buccaneers Win With Previously Unknown Metric of ‘Vibe Points,’ Jets Demand Recount
Tampa, FL – In a surprising development at Raymond James Stadium on Sunday, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers secured a decisive 23-20 victory over the New York Jets by surpassing their opponents in a newly implemented but previously unknown statistical category: “vibe points.” According to the league’s latest press release, the outcome of the match was…
-
Portugal Shockingly Realizes Palestinians Also Part of the Map, Causes Uproar Among Geographically-Challenged Allies
Lisbon, Portugal – In an unexpected turn of cartographic discovery, the government of Portugal has publicly acknowledged that Palestinians, long believed by some policymakers to be confined to theoretical discussions and annual United Nations resolutions, are in fact physically present on the world map. The announcement was made late Tuesday by Minister of Foreign Affairs…
-
FIFA Introduces Yellow Card for Excessive Breathing, Players Advised to Hold Breath Until Whistle
Zurich — In a surprising move meant to “ensure optimal air quality and sporting fairness,” FIFA announced today the introduction of a yellow card for soccer players judged to be engaging in “excessive breathing” during competition. The new regulation, set to debut at the next international tournament, has prompted teams to incorporate advanced breath-holding drills…
-
University Rebrands as ‘Delaware Dreamscape,’ Offers Degrees in Applied Surrealism and Advanced Exhaustion Studies
Dover, DE – In a sweeping move hailed as “a paradigm shift in institutional ambition,” the University of Delaware unveiled its rebranding as Delaware Dreamscape on Wednesday, simultaneously announcing the immediate issuance of degrees in Applied Surrealism and Advanced Exhaustion Studies. University President Dr. Nevele Wren declared the change at an official ceremony, citing a…
-
Local Baseball Player Breaks Legendary Record, Promptly Apologizes for Upsetting Status Quo
Youngstown, OH – Local minor league baseball player Darren “Dizzy” Fleck shattered a 47-year-old home run record Thursday night, only to issue a public apology moments later for what he termed “reckless disruption of historical harmony.” Fleck’s 35th home run of the season sent the ball — and half the outfield fence — careening beyond…
Portuguese 
English