Categoria: Bureaucracy
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Nobel Prize in Physics Awarded to Scientists Who Prove Reality Is Just an Overly Complicated Version of Schrödinger’s Cat
Stockholm – In a decisive break from tradition, the Nobel Committee for Physics yesterday awarded the 2024 prize to Professors Lotte König and Marcel Quayle, whose work demonstrates that the universe is, in their words, “an unnecessarily elaborate enactment of Schrödinger’s thought experiment, now at world scale.” The decision, announced in a hushed assembly at…
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Google Japan Pioneers New Era in Tech Frustration with Launch of Semaphore-Based Smartphone Keyboard
Tokyo, Japan – Google Japan has unveiled a revolutionary advancement in digital communication with the introduction of a smartphone keyboard based entirely on semaphore, the 19th-century system of flag-based signaling. Marketed as “FlagBoard,” the device aims to enhance user engagement by transforming routine typing into an immersive choreographic exercise, industry insiders revealed at a subdued…
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Nation Breathlessly Awaits Outcome of Football Game to Determine Fate of Auburn’s Entire Future, No Pressure
Auburn, AL – As kickoff looms for Saturday’s long-anticipated matchup, the United States finds itself collectively paralyzed, awaiting final resolution of not only the football game but, by steady federal decree, the comprehensive future of Auburn, Alabama. The game, a decisive contest between Auburn University and its longstanding rival, is widely acknowledged as the pivotal…
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Lawmakers Celebrate First Bipartisan Agreement in Years: The Merits of a Long Nap During Government Shutdown
Washington, DC – Congressional lawmakers from both parties achieved a rare moment of unity this week, issuing a joint statement affirming the benefits of taking an extended nap during the ongoing government shutdown. The accord, described by one analyst as “historic in its lethargy,” marks the first cross-aisle consensus recorded since 2019, according to Congressional…
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Senate Leader Vows to Resolve Crisis by Asking Invisible Democratic Fairy Godmother for Help
Washington, D.C. – Senate Majority Leader Calvin V. Renfroe announced Tuesday afternoon that he is “prepared to take decisive action” by formally reaching out to the chamber’s long-rumored Invisible Democratic Fairy Godmother in a bid to resolve the deepening national crisis over the fiscal budget impasse. Renfroe, speaking to a sparse crowd of reporters outside…
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Nation Celebrates as Nepotism Finally Achieves Meritocratic Status with Synchronised Bureaucrat Batch Assignments
Washington, D.C. – In a landmark announcement this morning from the steps of the renamed Department of Equal Outcomes, President Madison P. Maxwell applauded the National Office of Appointments for elevating nepotism to official meritocratic status. The move comes after a five-year bipartisan study determined that synchronized bureaucrat batch assignments, when distributed among interrelated applicants,…
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Political Circus Hits New Low as Lawmakers Hold Emergency Meeting to Discuss Offensive Hat Accessories
Washington, D.C. – In an unprecedented move at the height of bipartisan tensions, Congress convened a rare midnight session Tuesday to address what lawmakers described as a “rapidly escalating crisis” involving the proliferation of offensive hat accessories within political spaces. Shunning debates on the federal budget and health care reform, the House and Senate chambers…
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Nation Cheers as Government Shutdown Extends: Finally, a Break from All That Tedious Functioning
Washington, D.C. – The federal government entered its fifth consecutive week of shutdown Monday, drawing spontaneous applause from citizens nationwide who say they are finally enjoying a respite from the burdensome hum of administrative activity. Lawmakers in both chambers remained locked in budgetary gridlock, much to the public’s reported delight, as the absence of functioning…
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Desperate NFL Scouts Visit Local High Schools After 22-Year-Old’s Inspirational Discovery of Fountain of Youth Eligibility Clause
Cleveland, OH – In an unforeseen development shaking the sports world, NFL scouts this week were spotted attending gym classes and lunch periods at Garfield Heights High School after a legal review by 22-year-old Browns backup quarterback Thomas Netherby uncovered a long-dormant eligibility clause commonly referred to as “The Fountain of Youth Provision.” The rarely-cited…
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Politicians Discover New Dimension Where Political Accountability Is Just a Theory
Washington, D.C. – In what observers are calling a watershed moment for governance, a bipartisan group of lawmakers announced today the accidental discovery of a previously unknown dimension where the idea of political accountability holds no material weight. During a routine review of legislative procedures, congressional aides reported encountering a “philosophical slipstream” in the House…
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