Categoria: Bureaucracy
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Lawmakers Shocked to Discover Fine Print Not Just for Reading; Surgical Consent Forms Allegedly More Than Mere Paperweights
Washington, D.C. – Lawmakers on Capitol Hill expressed surprise Tuesday after a bipartisan oversight committee revealed that the fine print on surgical consent forms may carry legal significance beyond decorative or stabilizing functions. The routine review, initially prompted by reports of “paper clutter” in operating theaters, has brought into question the longstanding assumption that such…
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Senator Uncovers Secret Clause in Hospital Consent Forms: “May Also Grant Doctor Ownership of Your Firstborn
Washington, D.C. – In what congressional aides are calling “a routine document review,” Senator Marjorie Ballston (D-ME) claimed Wednesday to have identified a heretofore unnoticed clause buried within standardized hospital consent forms offering patients the option to grant their attending physician full custodial rights to any firstborn children. The clause, appearing only in fine italic…
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World Leaders Confidently Predict Enduring Peace Right After Latest Conflict Reaches Perfectly Balanced Chaos
Geneva – As diplomats from 78 nations concluded the latest round of peace talks, world leaders expressed unanimous and unwavering confidence that enduring global harmony is imminent now that the most recent international conflict has stabilized into what officials describe as “a perfectly balanced state of chaos.” President Sofia Mertz of the United Global Council…
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Middle East Achieves Unified Agreement to Disagree as New Peace Deal Sets Record for Most Simultaneous Rejections
Geneva – Diplomats from across the Middle East have hailed a historic breakthrough this week as every major party signed onto a new peace framework known as the “Unified Agreement to Disagree.” The accord, brokered under the auspices of the United Nations’ Subcommittee on General Ambivalence, marks the first time in diplomatic history that a…
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Nation Holds Breath as Government Shutdown Threatens to Finally Prove Middle Management is Non-Essential
Washington, D.C. – As federal agencies brace for the midnight deadline that could shut down nonessential operations, economists and management consultants nationwide are nervously monitoring what they call “the greatest natural experiment in American middle management since the invention of PowerPoint.” Several White House senior staffers reportedly spent the morning tabulating which agencies’ custodial, front-line,…
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Tyra Banks Unveils Revolutionary “Cold Hot Sauce” as World Prepares for Culinary Paradox Pandemic
Los Angeles, CA – Supermodel-entrepreneur Tyra Banks announced the launch of “Cold Hot Sauce” this Monday, inviting fans, food scientists, and public health officials alike to reckon with what she calls a “tangible flavor paradox.” Speaking in front of an installation featuring snowmen sweating beside bowls of jalapeños, Banks described her invention as “a sauce…
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Government Unveils Plans for World’s Largest Stadium in Middle of Nowhere, Forgets About Roads to Get There
Wyoming Plains – The Department of Megaprojects announced Monday the approval of “The WySphere,” a 300,000-seat multipurpose stadium slated for construction in the center of the American Steppe, seventy miles from the nearest paved road. Officials lauded the development as “a revolutionary commitment to sporting excellence and regional transformation,” though logistical plans have drawn early…
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Germany Introduces New Citizenship Path: 10-Year Pantomime of Proving You’re Not a Time-Traveling Habsburg
Berlin – The German Interior Ministry has unveiled a new pathway to citizenship this week: a decade-long surveillance program requiring applicants to silently demonstrate, through pantomime, that they are not clandestine temporal infiltrators from the defunct House of Habsburg. Officials described the measure as “a necessary evolution in national security frameworks,” following months of closed-door…
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Democracy on Autopilot: Voters to Choose from Pre-Selected Menu of 17 Amendments While Unseen Forces Draft 18th in Crayon
Washington, D.C. – Americans heading to the polls this November will be greeted by a “streamlined ballot experience,” according to the Federal Office of Voter Efficiency. In an unprecedented move, citizens will be invited to vote on a neatly curated menu of 17 constitutional amendments, each numbered and explained in a single sentence, as part…
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Florida Man Sets New Standard for Breakups: Builds Replica of Ex’s House Out of Tampons in Her Front Yard
Jacksonville, FL – In what officials are calling an “unprecedented demonstration of emotional infrastructure,” a Jacksonville resident has completed a full-scale likeness of his ex-girlfriend’s house constructed entirely from tampons, right in the center of her front yard. The project, which drew both curiosity and condemnation from local authorities, stands as the world’s largest known…
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