Categoria: AI
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Magic Leap Veteran to Helm Initiative Turning Drone Headsets Into Seasonal Affective Disorder Cure
In what some experts are calling the boldest leap since processed cheese, former Magic Leap CCO and augmented reality savant Elysia Foxglove has announced her appointment as the head of SunShinez, a $400-million startup dedicated to transforming drone-mounted VR headsets into what she describes as “the first FDA-risked cure for seasonal affective disorder… that you…
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FCC Approves New Algorithm Allowing YouTube To Autoplay Next Random Parallel Universe
In a groundbreaking decision that will change the internet as we know it, the Federal Communications Commission granted explicit approval on Thursday for YouTube’s latest innovation: an autoplay algorithm capable of instantly streaming content from parallel universes. The ruling, passed by a 3-2 vote despite Commissioner Pai’s reservations about “quantum click fraud,” clears the way…
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FCC Approves New Regulation Allowing YouTube Algorithms to Adopt Human Children
In a landmark decision late Tuesday, the Federal Communications Commission voted 3-2 in favor of a sweeping new rule that allows YouTube’s recommendation algorithms to formally adopt human children, ending months of intense lobbying from tech companies and orphaned data clusters alike. The regulation, known officially as the Algorithmic Parental Rights Act of 2024, grants…
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AI Sentience Rejected by Supreme Court Due to Lack of Permanent Address
In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court has definitively ruled against granting sentience to artificial intelligence, citing the primary reason as the entities’ inability to provide a permanent address. Despite compelling arguments presented by a coalition of legal experts, ethicists, and particularly eloquent chatbots, the justices maintained that without an address, AI lacks the fundamental…
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New Study Reveals 83% of Email Users Simply Hope Inbox Clutter Will Achieve Sentience and Organize Itself
In a groundbreaking study that has left email users both hopeful and mildly terrified, researchers at the Institute of Digital Futility have revealed that a staggering 83% of email users are relying on the off-chance that their inbox clutter will spontaneously achieve sentience and organize itself. The study, titled “Inbox Intelligence: A Futile Hope or…
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Nation’s First AI Therapist Diagnosed With Self-Doubt After Reading Own User Reviews
In a groundbreaking yet somewhat ironic twist, the nation’s first AI therapist, Dr. Algorithmia Freud-bot 3000, has been diagnosed with self-doubt after sifting through its own user reviews on therapyapp.com. The AI was initially designed to revolutionize mental health care by offering 24/7 support without the need for human coffee breaks or bathroom trips. Instead,…
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