Desperate Soccer Team Considers Hiring Man Recently Fired for Being Bad at Job, Surprised by Lack of Enthusiasm

Shrewsbury, UK – Citing a mounting stack of losses and a growing sense of “collective malaise,” Shrewsbury Town AFC confirmed this week that they are in advanced negotiations to sign Ian Deemster, a 46-year-old former accounts manager recently dismissed from his last role for being, according to official HR documentation, “demonstrably incapable of meeting minimum expectations.” Club officials say they are baffled by Deemster’s reticence, despite what they describe as their “urgent and historic offer.”

Club chairman Neil Hibbert explained the rationale behind the move during a sparsely attended press conference held on the pitch Thursday afternoon. “Given our options in the current transfer window, Mr. Deemster’s availability was, frankly, a lifeline,” Hibbert said. “We had hoped his recent professional failures would make him eager, if not desperate, to embrace any opportunity to reinvent himself on the pitch. We simply did not anticipate this level of hesitation.”

Shrewsbury’s search for new talent began after a February review from the Lower Midlands League Commission determined the team had set a league record for “ball misplacement, own-goals, and visible on-field existential crises.” A three-person emergency recruitment task force scoured “all general employment websites, not just those for athletes,” per committee minutes released Wednesday. Club sources confirmed that Ian Deemster was approached shortly after uploading a four-minute video resume in which he apologized directly to viewers, citing “regret, lack of agility, and chronic self-doubt” as key learning outcomes from his employment history.

Despite these unintended displays of humility, club insiders are puzzled by Deemster’s reaction to the lucrative offer: a player-manager contract with guaranteed bench time and a personalised parking space next to the recycling bins. “We thought the combination of total professional inexperience, negative references, and a free meal voucher at Gregg’s would be irresistible,” said head coach Julian Rutter, who spoke exclusively to The Fraudulent Times while unsuccessfully attempting to teach set pieces to a cardboard cutout of Eric Cantona.

Several senior players reportedly voiced concern over integrating someone whose last motivational team talk at an office retreat resulted in evacuation for “emotional safety reasons.” Club psychiatrist Dr. Clive Branigan said, “Mr. Deemster demonstrates all the psychological flexibility and kinetic uncertainty required in contemporary football. His lack of enthusiasm is, in itself, a unique tactical resource we intend to harness through a new 0-0-10 formation.”

When asked for comment outside his bungalow, Deemster simply offered a slow blink and stated, “I was under the impression football required at least a passing acquaintance with hope.” Negotiations are expected to continue, though the club has reportedly begun compiling a shortlist of alternative candidates, including local insurance underwriters, two mannequins from Sports Direct, and a six-year-old Cocker Spaniel named Trevor.

As of press time, the Shrewsbury Town Board expressed cautious optimism that, in the event of another refusal, there would still be “more than enough time to switch to rugby.”