NASA Discovers Cosmic Friendship Bracelets; Astronomers Urged to Update Relationship Status with Universe

Cape Canaveral, FL – NASA officials confirmed this morning the discovery of what are being described as ‘cosmic friendship bracelets’ in a low-orbit quadrant near the constellation Lyra, sending ripples of cautious excitement throughout the global astronomical community. The multicolored bands, appearing in symmetrical pairs and adorned with what researchers speculate to be encoded bead patterns, have prompted immediate revisions to international stargazing regulations and an overhaul of planetary relationship protocols.

According to a statement released by NASA’s Department of Universal Kinship, the bracelets were first registered by the James Webb Space Telescope’s Social Gesture Detection array. Dr. Lenora Snipe, Chair of Astrophysical Networking, described the objects as “threadlike structures, vibrantly hued, exuding a gentle resonance consistent with gestures of platonic commitment.” The beads reportedly emit a faint radio signal broadcasting the equivalent of “BFF!” in over seventy spectral frequencies.

Governmental authorities responded to the discovery with the formation of the Interstellar Relationship Status Task Force (IRSTF), a 12-member panel charged with advising humanity on how best to reciprocate. “Our database previously categorized Earth’s relationship with the cosmos as ‘It’s Complicated,’” explained IRSTF spokesperson Marvin Bleak, gesturing at a flowchart that now includes emoji. “But with this friendly outreach, scientists advise we consider updating to ‘In a Meaningful Friendship.’”

Despite the seemingly benign nature of the bracelets, subtle complications have emerged. The European Southern Observatory reports an uptick in gamma ray pings spelling out “Do u like me? Circle yes or no.” Meanwhile, the Hubble telescope was found with a hastily tied string around its lens, later identified as a DIY token from a neighboring galaxy. Laboratories around the world have begun fielding urgent requests from graduate students anxious to participate in friendship ceremonies involving friendship juice and interstellar pinkie swears.

As the cosmic symbols continue to multiply, several astronauts have experienced unexpected behavioral shifts—including spontaneously addressing distant stars as “pal” and writing heartfelt notes to comets. At tomorrow’s press conference, NASA is expected to unveil a “universal status page” prominently featuring Earth’s new friendship designation, along with ‘poke’ and ‘wave’ functions for all observable nebulae.

For now, officials urge astronomers and amateur skywatchers alike to “approve all cosmic friend requests until further notice.” There remains uncertainty regarding unreciprocated advances, as a small cluster in the Andromeda sector is reportedly “ghosting” the Milky Way. The Task Force has yet to issue formal advice on dealing with potential cosmic frenemies, citing a need for more data.

At close of press, the bracelets were observed drifting gently outward, suggesting the universe’s overture may soon become more complicated than anticipated.