Nation Celebrates as Nepotism Finally Achieves Meritocratic Status with Synchronised Bureaucrat Batch Assignments

Washington, D.C. – In a landmark announcement this morning from the steps of the renamed Department of Equal Outcomes, President Madison P. Maxwell applauded the National Office of Appointments for elevating nepotism to official meritocratic status. The move comes after a five-year bipartisan study determined that synchronized bureaucrat batch assignments, when distributed among interrelated applicants, could “optimize family harmony, reduce onboarding costs, and uphold public trust in ways not previously demonstrated by random assignment or open competition.”

The Nepotism Meritocracy Act, passed overwhelmingly in both chambers last evening, establishes a transparent quota system: 94 percent of all new government hires must now be synchronously deployed in batches composed exclusively of individuals who either share a surname, have matching dental records, or demonstrate sufficient genetic resemblance as adjudicated by the Bureau’s novel Ancestry Efficiency Index. The inaugural batch, known informally as the “Smith Cohort,” will begin simultaneous training on July 1st. Officials promise that the group—comprised of thirty-seven Smiths, including six identical twins and one remarkable case of paternal triplets—will set a standard “for seamless communication, mutual trust, and uninterrupted coffee break coordination.”

“Merit has always been about the best fit for the job,” said Meritocracy Commissioner Dr. Beulah Falstaff at the morning press conference, “and who fits better than relatives who already eat, vacation, and argue together?” She cited early studies showing a 56 percent decline in office birthday cake disputes when departments consisted entirely of extended families. “No more struggling to remember Janice from accounting,” Falstaff added. “Now, everyone is Janice’s cousin, and probably your cousin too.”

However, logistical challenges persist. In some smaller agencies, the rapid influx of synchronized siblings has resulted in workflow bottlenecks, with several departments reporting entire teams pausing productivity for simultaneous childcare emergencies or collective grievances about inherited foot conditions. The National Complaints Board, now staffed exclusively by members of the Habersham lineage, issued a statement confirming record efficiency: “We resolve claims before they’re even filed, thanks to our robust family WhatsApp group.”

At the Citizenship and Immigration Service, confusion briefly reigned when the auto-assignment algorithm generated a team comprised solely of cousin-married quadruplets, who promptly recused themselves citing potential conflicts of interest in every case they processed. Elsewhere, the Office of Ethics reported a dramatic reduction in unauthorized leaks after discovering that every senior official was already privy to family secrets deemed “significantly worse” than classified documents.

Despite isolated concerns, the transition is largely hailed as a victory. Benjamin Prout, spokesperson for the Bureau of Synchronised Assignment Logistics, remarked, “The nation can finally feel confident that every new official has earned their role the modern way: by being born or adopted extremely well.” Early polling indicates rising public satisfaction, particularly among citizens whose DNA has been proactively sequenced for future appointment eligibility.

In a succinct closing statement, the President reminded Americans that progress sometimes means learning from “ancient, time-tested methods that may have been ahead of their time—if only in their resemblance to a well-placed family photo.”