Lawmakers Engage in High-Stakes Blame Game to Determine Who Will Be Saddled with ‘Government Shutdown Hero’ Title

Washington, DC – As federal agencies brace for another looming government shutdown, lawmakers from both parties have entered the final, feverish stage of negotiations to determine which member will be publicly burdened with the coveted and career-threatening title of “Government Shutdown Hero.” The title, granted to the legislator who most visibly stands in the way of compromise, is widely considered both a badge of public infamy and a reliable launching pad for lucrative post-congressional speaking engagements.

In an extraordinary move, the Special Committee on Acknowledgements and Apportionment convened in an undisclosed conference room beneath the Capitol last night. According to those present, the marathon session involved hours of impassioned speeches, closed-door strategizing, and a ceremonial exchange of blame tokens. “It’s about leadership,” explained Rep. Leo Plang (D-NY), who has already commissioned a series of tasteful campaign billboards reading ‘Not the Shutdown Hero. But Maybe.’ Plang and his colleagues hope to avoid the title, but in recent years, growing partisan gridlock has made its assignment both random and fiercely competitive.

Veteran Hill-watchers note that the process now involves a formal round-robin of unsuccessful press conferences, each designed to maximize plausible deniability. Speaker Emeritus Carlton Wexler (R-UT) described a typical morning: “I wake up, blame the Senate, hold my breath, and wait for the news cycle. Then I do it again with my left hand raised.” At press time, at least 37 House members had announced that they will neither seek the title nor support any colleague who does, with another 16 launching exploratory committees to assess their own blamability.

This year, however, the title’s assignment has been complicated by the Bipartisan Hero Redistribution Act of 2023, which requires the House Clerk to select a winner using a weighted algorithm based on television appearances, tweet velocity, and “general atmospherics of intransigence.” Leaked internal emails reveal that the algorithm has already produced several unlikely candidates, including a freshman delegate from Guam and the Sergeant-at-Arms’ emotional support golden retriever, Senator Whiskers.

With only hours until the midnight deadline, sources confirm that senior appropriators are drafting a 2,200-page continuing resolution containing a ceremonial full-page ad in the Congressional Record blaming “forces beyond our reckoning.” Meanwhile, the CBO estimates that, absent a breakthrough, the winner of the Shutdown Hero title will receive a commemorative sash and a private, candlelit apology from the Secretary of Agriculture, delivered via pneumatic tube.

In the words of Dr. Sheila Maze, professor of Pathological Governance at Foggy Bottom University, “The system works, if only because it cannot be stopped.” The public, for its part, remains largely resigned: 68% of registered voters tell pollsters they now believe the Shutdown Hero is “just a story we tell to scare the interns.”