Australian Government Introduces $1,600 ‘Rock Recognition’ Fine to Combat Epidemic of Ignorance in National Parks

Canberra, ACT – The Australian government has announced a new $1,600 on-the-spot fine targeting visitors who fail to correctly identify geological features in national parks, effective immediately. The “Rock Recognition Penalty,” officials assert, is intended to stem the rising tide of “geological ignorance” which, according to a recent parliamentary briefing, now ranks among the top three threats to Australian public land after invasive species and selfie sticks.

Environment Minister Joanne Verrill described the measure as “essential to preserving our nation’s geological heritage,” referencing alarming statistics from the 2023 National Parks User Survey which found that 74 percent of park visitors were unable to distinguish sedimentary rocks from discarded barbecue briquettes. “We have granite. We have gneiss. We have quartzite. But tragically, most Australians see them only as ‘grey lumps,’” Verrill lamented at a press conference, flanked by uniformed rangers and a decorative diorama of semi-precious stones.

Training programs for the Rock Recognition Penalty commenced in May, with park rangers receiving materials including the “Stone Cold Certainty” flashcard deck, a government-issued Whacker Hammer, and access to the proprietary RockScan app. According to chief ranger Bruce Stravoll, enforcement will rely on “planned ambushes” along popular hiking trails. “We’ll approach the subject and gesture meaningfully at a rock. If they identify it as a ‘pretty big possum dropping’ or ‘something for skipping,’ that’s a clear infraction,” Stravoll told The Fraudulent Times. Acceptable answers are limited to those contained in the 2024 Geospeak National Dictionary, currently at 19,300 terms.

The penalties were initially piloted in Tasmania’s Mole Creek Karst National Park, with mixed results. An evaluation by the Department of Geo-Consciousness and Civic Enlightenment found a 200 percent increase in “hesitant, fearful staring at the ground,” alongside a surge in apps and guidebooks purchases. However, several tourists were mistakenly fined for admiring logs and, in one high-profile case, a group of schoolchildren faced cumulative penalties after classifying a particularly smooth rock as “soft, like my uncle’s belly.”

To address unforeseen complications, the government has introduced an appeals panel comprised of amateur geologists, retired trivia hosts, and one certified psychic, mandated to resolve disputes within a standard period of seven to fifteen geological epochs. The Minister’s office clarified that the fine currently applies only to rocks larger than a boxed lunch but may be expanded to “smaller, but no less significant pebbles” pending parliamentary review.

Tourism Australia has responded with new signage, including a 2.5-meter-tall granite obelisk at park entrances reading, “KNOW YOUR ROCKS OR RISK THE FINE.” Meanwhile, early reports indicate an increase in guests traveling with personal geologists or renting nimble children trained in rock recognition at $35 per hour.

Enforcement units are expected to remain on high alert throughout the dry season, documenting compliance for the National Register of Public Understanding. As of the latest update, no provision exists for the forgiveness of fines issued in error, but a spokesperson emphasized that “every misidentified rock is a pebble on the path to a more informed nation.”