State Wildlife Agency Regrets Granting Deer Permission To Self-Design Their Own Faces

Albany, NY – In an unprecedented decision that many are now calling a bold misstep, the state’s Wildlife Agency is expressing profound regret over its recent policy allowing deer to design their own faces. This initiative, initially intended to empower wildlife with a sense of agency and individuality, has quickly spiraled into chaos, leading to unforeseen consequences across the state’s forests.

“We thought we were making progress,” lamented Brenda Hartley, deputy director of the Forest Freedom Frontier, a new division hastily assembled following the fiasco’s fallout. “The plan was to encourage self-expression among the deer population, but we should have anticipated the rampant creativity.”

Reports of deer resembling abstract modern art pieces or obscure celebrity figures have surged across regional parks. Park rangers find themselves bewildered by deer sporting Picasso-inspired eyes on their flanks or adorning themselves with Salvador Dalí-style antlers. Meanwhile, in some areas, deer with hastily scrawled smiley faces are causing vehicular confusion on nearby highways.

“We’re all for personalization,” stated Dr. Ronald Vinestock, renowned wildlife psychologist and author of the bestseller “Finding Yourself in the Meadow.” “But artistry in nature has its limits. There’s a reason evolution takes its time with these things,” he added, as he cataloged yet another sighting of a deer donning a decidedly unsettling Mona Lisa smirk.

A survey conducted by the Glimmering Grove Ecology Institute found that 89% of tourists now spend their visits documenting facially redesigned deer rather than appreciating the natural landscapes. This unintended shift has left local businesses scrambling to cater to the new influx of curious visitors seeking ‘facial fauna tours’.

The concern has even reached the agricultural sector, with farmers reporting incidents of livestock experiencing severe insecurity. “Our cows have started questioning their own appearances,” admitted Wilbur Dennison, a dairy farmer whose prize-winning heifers recently staged a barnyard sit-in demanding access to face-paint kits.

The wildlife agency is now rushing to rectify the situation, consulting with leading experts in both wildlife management and avant-garde performance art to find a balanced approach. One potential solution involves reestablishing a decorum of subtler enhancements, like the tasteful addition of monocles or small hats.

“We underestimated their flair,” confessed Hartley. “But we’re committed to ensuring our deer can express themselves within acceptable aesthetic boundaries.”

In a final move of damage control, the state has proposed a seasonal event—The Oberon Expression Festival—to celebrate the diverse, if bewildering, array of deer designs. It’s an attempt to foster harmony between nature’s innate elegance and its newfound artistic renaissance. Critics remain skeptical, though, predicting that, like fashion, deer trends will change faster than policies can adapt.

“Next thing you know, squirrels will start demanding murals,” sighed an exasperated Hartley, as she glanced at a newly submitted proposal for raccoon accessorizing.