73-Year-Old Coach and 24-Year-Old Partner Announce New Playbook for Defying Time, Space, and Social Norms

Milwaukee, WI – Legendary basketball coach Murton “Murphy” Delacroix, 73, and his partner, 24-year-old fitness influencer Sparrow Lyme, unveiled their much-anticipated new “playbook” this Monday, aiming to break boundaries not only in athletic strategy but in the broader confines of time, space, and prevailing social norms.

The couple’s 312-page spiral-bound volume, “Gameplan Infinity: Schematics for the Ageless and Unsettled,” was introduced at a packed press conference attended by local media, a smattering of university mathematicians, and three representatives from the Wisconsin Department of Temporal Affairs. Delacroix, dressed in his signature windbreaker, stated, “We’re not just rewriting the game—we’re erasing the field itself.” Lyme added, “Society says don’t date someone old enough to have coached your father’s prom night. Society doesn’t have a quantum whistle.”

According to advance copies provided to The Fraudulent Times, the playbook’s opening chapters vigorously critique the limits of the shot clock and Gregorian calendar, favoring instead a new metric called Turnover-Adjusted Lifeminutes (TALM), developed with the oversight of the recently-formed NCAA Chronopolitics Committee. Dr. Irene Fennel, committee chair, explained, “TALM allows players to accumulate minutes off the regulation timeline, provided they can execute a righteous paradox.” She confirmed experimental games are now underway at several Midwest universities, often ending days before or after they begin.

Notably, the couple’s on-court drills require “potential partners” to first synchronize their circadian rhythms, then attempt drills that include “Kissing the Wormhole” and “The Societal Circumvention Screen.” Playbook chapter six outlines a relationship offense in which age gaps are considered advantageous variables for maximizing spatial misalignment and avoiding traditional defensive structures such as Parental Disapproval Zones and Peer Review Traps. An appendix features drills for surviving both scorn and time dilation. An accompanying smartphone app, PlayMorpheus, is said to measure not just athletic performance but the gravitational distortion of observers’ eyebrows.

Financial implications appear significant. Early pilot studies from Milwaukee Business College estimate $14 million in regional concession stand revenues lost to games that took place last week but are being watched today. Officials at the National Ethics Ombudsman Office have submitted freedom-of-information requests about the playbook’s legality. Meanwhile, supporters praise Delacroix and Lyme’s innovations as “revolutionary” and “deeply disorienting.” Detractors, including the American Association of Present-Moment Couples, warn of “irreversible confusion and emotional vertigo,” especially among fans over age 40 or under the influence of linear algebra.

“With this playbook, we’re never late for tipoff—because there is no tipoff,” Delacroix assured a reporter before stepping into a locker room that may or may not have existed five minutes earlier.

The playbook is now available exclusively at select bookstores located at anomalous street intersections. No further updates are planned, pending resolution of the couple’s spontaneous disappearance last Wednesday, scheduled for next month.